The Monday club
Author(s): George Hynd
Copyright holder(s): George Hynd
Wi intent tae dae sum spreadin'
But at half past ten he washed his trowel
An headed fur the Steadin'
He'd been oan the scud the nicht afore
An my his heid wis sair
Thumpin' an throbbin' wi a' that drink
It wis awfy sair tae bear
It wis yin o the worst kind a man kin get
A Huge, "Gigantic Sooster"
An the only cure fur it that the bear kent
Wis fur him tae get a booster
So he parked his bum on a bar stool
An croaked oot "Gies a pint o heavy"
Wi tremblin' hands he lifted it
An sipped the precious bevy
"My God this is wonderful stuff" he thought
"An its poured jist tae perfection"
Then he quickly cowped it ower his throat
One liquid injection.
"Ah'll jist hae a couple o pints" he thought
"An then ah'll head fur hame"
"Gies anither pint Doll"
He couldnae be bothered askin' her name
An slowly his body, it came back tae life
His sair heid wis feelin' a bit better
An as he sank a few mair pints
His thrapple it got a bit wetter
Dinner time it came an it went
Along wi aw the bar lunches
An the members o the ski slope set
wir hingin' aboot in wee bunches
Then came a voice that the bear kent gie weel
A voice that wis fair fu' o fun
"Hullo Bear, how's it gaun ma bonny lad"?
Twas his pal, whae wis called Willie Lunn
Now Lunny the Looney's a big likeable sowl
Whae jist loves tae hear tumblers clink
An when him an the bear git taegither
Nae excuses are needed fur drink
So they got settled in, an they swallowed the pints
An' the crack that day wis brand new
As big Lunny an Bear, they laughed an they joked
An slowly got pleasantly fu'.
"Phone us a taxi, barmaid" Lunny cried oot
As a ten pence tae her he did spin
"Where ur yez gaun tae" the barmaid cried back
"Tell him its fur Bilston Inn"
So the taxi it came, an it gied them a hurl
Richt ower tae the door o the Inn
Which wis packed fu o punters, whae wur a' fu a bevy
An creatin a hell o a din.
The pub that day wis fair heavin'
The Monday club it wis in full swing
An Cammy the barman wis sweatin'
As the till it kept gaun ding-a-ling
Bear an Lunny got settled on stools
'cos they couldnae stand very long
Then lunny came out wi is favourite cry
"C'mon Bear lets sing a wee song"
Well the sang the songs o Auld Lang Syne
An they Sang aboot their dearies
Like linties they were baith gien it laldy
Their een birlin' roon like wee peeries
They sang shoo woody was, an doo wap was.
An the Bear he crooned whisperin' grass
An all fo a sudden Lunny slipped of his stool
An landed right upon his arse.
He jist lay on the flair an he giggled
'cos he wis as fu as a bit
An a stranger whae walked ower him on his way to the toilet
Wis convinced Lunny wis haen a fit
Then they got lined up wi' pool cues
Along wi anither twa laddies
An they aw walked aboot singin' "Livin' Doll"
Jist like Cliff an' the Shaddies
Roon' and roon' went the hands on the clock
Time flies when yer aw haen fun
An suddenly the Bear an big Lunny
Discovered their money wis done
"Dinnae worry aboot cash" said big Lunn tae the Bear
"Tonight you an' I are baith lucky"
'Cos Telford's on holiday in Tennirefe
"So we'll get wursels right on the chuckie"
"Gies mair drink ower here Cammy" cried oot the Bear
"Fur tonight we are drinkin' wur fill"
An dinnae embarass us askin' fur money"
Jist mark it a' up on the till.
So they drank an they drank till the last bell
An by then they couldnae drink ony mair
An airm in airm up the road they rolled
Big Lunny an his pal the Bear
Up Park Avenue the Bear crawled
Well watered an now needin' fed
But alas the hoose wis in darkness
An the Big Yin awa' tae hir bed
So he raked in the fridge, an found a cauld pie
Which he ate lyin' doon on the flair
Where he woke up next mornin' aboot 6 o'clock
Fair stiff, a' cauld an a' sair
Well the Bear he went oot on the Tuesday morn
An hap tae dae some spreadin'
An he still had his sair heid frae the day afore
An nae money tae go tae the steadin'.
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Cite this Document
The Monday club. 2024. In The Scottish Corpus of Texts & Speech. Glasgow: University of Glasgow. Retrieved 29 February 2024, from http://www.scottishcorpus.ac.uk/document/?documentid=32.
"The Monday club." The Scottish Corpus of Texts & Speech. Glasgow: University of Glasgow, 2024. Web. 29 February 2024. http://www.scottishcorpus.ac.uk/document/?documentid=32.
The Scottish Corpus of Texts & Speech, s.v., "The Monday club," accessed 29 February 2024, http://www.scottishcorpus.ac.uk/document/?documentid=32.
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The Scottish Corpus of Texts & Speech. 2024. Glasgow: University of Glasgow. http://www.scottishcorpus.ac.uk.