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Document 1416

A Fer Chauve

Author(s): Alex Smith

Copyright holder(s): Alex Smith

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FOREWORD

Just a wee word of thanks to the people who bought my last book, IT'S A SAIR FECHT. I have to admit that it was not a fecht when I was writing, IT'S A FER CHAUVE.

Of course I have been keeping my usual notes about the wither. Some people think that the wither is changing, the climate, they declare is getting warmer. You will find in my diary that Nineteen Ninety Eight was one of the wettest years ever.

I mind fine ae day pittin in firewid tae Muggie Sliga, it wisnae rainin, it wis hale water, jist teemin doon. Of course I wis jist soakin weet. (water wis runnin oot o the erse o my breeks) As Muggie Sliga peyed me she said jokinly. "Cheer up Jonsar Eck ere's aye wither o some kind at this time o year." I didnae even answer her, I jist let oot a muckle grumph.

Of course Muggie Sliga was right, you should never ever be down hearted. Try to enjoy what you are doing. I certainly enjoyed writing this book, I hope when you buy it you enjoy reading it.


DEAF

Jonsar Eck sat watching the T.V. ae nicht, he wis a wee bit annoyed wi himsel. Fit wis wrang? Weel he cood hardly mak oot fit the mannie fa wis reading the news wis saying. "Och tae heck wi this" He said oot loudly. "I'll hae tae pit the soun up a bit" Jonsar reached ower for the remote control an pressed the button that wid gie him mair soun. Fit a bigake he got fin he found oot the soun wis at full blast.

Fin Jonsar Eck went tae bed he coodnae help bit think his hearing wis getting a wee bit dull. (He wis affa deaf) Neest day the thocht kept naggin awa at him. Of coorse neest nicht it wis the same again, coodnae mak oot fit wis bein said on the T. V. Noo Jonsar Eck kent he wis in serious trouble an, thocht the morn I'll gang an see a doctor. Fin he went tae the surgery he wis telt tae come back at ten o clock neest day.

So at ten o clock Jonsar Eck wis sittin in the doctors surgery (He wis aye on time) Fin the lassie shouts" O.K. Jonsar it's your turn noo, jist tak the first door on the left". Fin Jonsar came tae the door, he knocked an, opened the door an went in tae see the doctor. Noo fin he went intae the room ere wis the doctor stannin ower a wifie on the couch, he hid the wifies leg stracht up in the air. Ere wis a nesty silence as the three glowered at een an ither en. Jonsar beat a hasty retreat.

"Michty me Jonsar Eck that wis quick" said the lassie at the desk. "Weel" replies Jonsar Eck "Ere's a wifie in there wi the doctor. I think there his been a mistake". A'a o a sudden the lassie's face grew reed an, she muttered. "Och well twa is company an three is a crowd".

Fin Jonsar Eck did see the doctor he got a'a sort o tests. He wis telt tae pit draps in his lugs an come back in a weeks time. Weel it wis ower tae the chemist tae get his draps. Noo fa shood be in the chemist bit the wifie fa wis lyin on the couch wi her leg up in the air." O Jonsar" She says. "It's a'a richt, you see we baith ken een an ither". Jonsar Eck laughs an say." You ken I'm ferrly deaf bit I'll tell you this I'm nae blin."


JANUARY 1998
Temp Celsius - Rainfall Inches

Thursday 1 Temp -2/3 rainfall 5/16
A'a thing fer fyte wi frost.
Pits winter in oor minds uppermost.
Fae the Sooth ere's a howlin gale,
Blawin throo sleet an sometimes hail.

Friday 2 Temp 2/16
Frosty Sooth win the hale day dis blaw,
Dry a'a day my forecast maun be sna.

Saturday 3 Temp 2/5 Rainfall 2/16
Wind dis blaw cauld an bare,
For the day the wither is fair.

Sunday 4 Temp 0/5
Ere's mair than a bit o frost in the air,
Frost dis stick in, cauld an bare.

Monday 5 Temp 0/5
Is it frosty? Or mebbe it's nae,
Hale day lang it's nae gweed tae say,
Gran day fin oot in the sin,
Fine an quait, ere's nae ony win.

Tuesday 6 Temp -1/0
Noo here's a day at's bitterly cauld,
Wrap up weel gang aboot twa fauld.

Wednesday 7 Temp 0/3
Day comes oot fine sin in a'a it's glory,
Richt bonny day noo at's the story.

Thursday 8 Temp -2/3
Richt fine day bit gey nippy kine,
Affa fine wither for this time.

Friday 9 Temp 0/10
Frost dis loup oot throo the nicht,
Nae sign o rain a richt welcome sicht,
Hale day is dry aye het as weel,
Jist waitin for Spring is the fermer chiel.

Saturday 10 Temp7/10
Damp an grey, wamth in the air,
Winter days like this I pray for mair.

Sunday 11 Temp 7/7
Winter time this surely canna be,
Gless awa up mair than ae degree,
Gran day, country side begins tae dry,
Spring? or Winter? at's the cry.

Monday 12 Temp 4/8 Rainfall 3/16
Wither jist noo his ferrly went agley,
Nae like January it's mair like Mey.

Tuesday 13 Temp 3/8
Mornin starts aff sae mild again,
Bit taewards nicht it begins tae rain.

Wednesday 14 Temp 2/5 Rainfall 6/16
Out throo the nicht a fer sup rain,
Day is fine an fair eence again.

Thursday 15 Temp 0/4
This mornin jist aboot maks abody greet,
Starts awa wi win an shoors o sleet,
Later on oot comes a gey weak sin,
Maks abody feel affa gweed within.


MERRIT
Fin the twa wifies in the bakers shop started spikkin aboot Geordie Grip an Muggie Spend, Jonsar Eck's lugs jist aboot louped oot o his heid. He wis like een o yon game dogs that pinted oot tae the gamie far aboot the rubbit wis hidin. "Oh aye" says the first wifie" I seen the twa o them in the Broch, waukin doon the street hand in hand". Noo the second wifie pit her hand ower her moo an muttered. "Surely no" The first wifie says." I seen them wi my ain een".

Efter Jonsar Eck wis served in the bakers shop he gaed awa hame tae hae a cup o tay. As he sat ere drinkin his lay he thocht oot loudly." Geordie Grip, he is sae greedy he drinks his tay withoot milk. If he cood he wid steal the milk oot o a cup o tay that wis lyin aboot. Aye wi Geodie every penny wis a prisoner. Noo if Muggie Spend hid a pound at nine o clock in the mornin. (Nae chance) It wis spent lang afore twal. If Muggie Spend hid a hunner pound at nine o clock it wid be spent lang afore twal. I dinna think yon twa wifies ken fit their spikkin aboot."

Neest day Jonsar Eck coodnae believe his een, there wis the twa love birds waukin richt past his hoose, haudin hands. It wis easy seen that yon lad wi the bow an arra hid got his aim richt and, hid hit the twa o them true an fest. Jonsar Eck smiled tae himsel he cood see Geordie Grip hingin on tae five poun note an, Muggie Spend nippin it oot o his fingers, it wid be spent in a jiffy. "Noo that wisnae sair, wis it Geordie?" she wid say wi a smile.

Weel the romance lested a lang time. (A lot langer than ony body expected) Fin Geordie asked Muggie oot for a meal at a posh hotel, she accepted an, thocht "och he's nae sae grippy efter a'a" Of coorse the nicht wis jist gaun gran the twa o them fer enjoyin een anither's company." Is athing o.k. Muggie?" Asks Geordie. Muggie smiles an says." Jist gran Geordie. I winner wid you open the windae ahin you, it's gettin a bit het in here". So Geordie opened the windae.

News, the twa o them nivver stopped spikkin. As Muggie got stuck intae the main course she said." Wid you shut yon windae? Geordie ere's a wee bit o a draught comin in. "Geordie let a sigh turned roon an shut the windae an, said" come on noo let us dee justice tae this meal".

Weel the nicht wis wearin awa an, the twa o them were noo sittin sippin coffee an, a gless o wine. Muggie beginin tae feel the heat again." Oh Geordie wid you open the windae please" she asks. Geordie lent ower the table an said." Div you think we shood mak on we are merrit? Muggie blushed. "Oh aye Geordie" she squeeled wi delight. Geordie let oot a sigh an said." At's' fine at that's settled, noo jist get up an open the windae yoursel."


JANUARY 1998
Friday 16 Temp2/3 Rainfall 3/16
Ere is shoors o sleet an some o hail,
North win dis blaw the force is gale.

Saturday 17 Temp -2/3
Richt fine mornin crisp an dry,
En darker, darker, is the sky,
Yon affa easy wye afore ere's sna,
Aye come nicht the sna dis fa.

Sunday 18 Temp -1/4 Rain fall 6/16
I did expect tae see a puckle sna,
Rain of coorse sees sna washed awa,
Stronger an stonger gruws the North win,
Starts tae blaw sna as the day wears in.

Monday 19 Temp -2/0
North win gale force it dis blaw,
Hale day lang it dis ding on sna,
Winter a'a at eence gies us a blast,
Look oot my shovel ere's sna tae cast.

Tuesday 20 Temp -2/0
Twa or three inch o sna tae be seen,
Thaw in o the air blue sky up abeeen.

Wednesday 21 Temp -2/1 rain fall 6/16
Cauld Sooth win hale day dis blaw,
Slowly, slowly, sna dis gaun awa.

Thursday 22 Temp 1/8
In o the air ere's a richt warm feel,
This fine day tae me dis appeal.

Friday 23 Temp2/2 Rainfall 3/16
Strong is the win wi lashin rain,
En it's jist a shoor noo an again,
Fae the North a richt strong breeze,
Countryside dryin up I'm ill at ease.

Saturday 24 Temp 0/4
Ere's a frosty nip in o the air,
Gran day an it dis bide fair.

Sunday 25 Temp 0/4
A wee touch o frost we are gettin jist noo,
A richt fine day wi skies sae bonny an blue.

Monday 26 Temp -3/1
Frost in the mornin en sin dis come oot,
Fine Winters day withoot a doot.

Tuesday 27 Temp -4/5
Fyte frost in the mornin for us tae see,
En the forst dis loup, fit wull it be?
Scrat my heid, think o rain an o sna,
I'm ferrly wrang the day turns oot braw.

Wednesday 28 Temp 2/5
Bare mornin gie mysel a shak noo an again,
Fine day taewards nicht it dis rain.

Thursday 29 Temp 2/16 Rainfall 2/16
Fine wi a bit o warmth in the air.
Fowk wauk ahoot withoot a care.

Friday 30 Temp 3/6 Rainfall 4/16
Nae a great mornin gey cauld an bare.
Some spleetry shoors, didnae bide fair.

Saturday 31 Temp 1/2
Gran mornin wi frost in o the air,
Weak is the sin bit it dis bide fair


THE SWEET PEA
Jonsar Eck wis up at New Deer ae day cuttin a wifies girse. Jonsar wis retired noo an did the odd job noo an again tae keep himsel in trim. Ere wis a fine scent comin aff o the neest doors sweet peas. They were a affa bonny show. Fin the mannie appeared, he started tae work at the sweet peas. Jonsar Eck stopped the mower an gaed awa ower tae tae the mannie. Jonsar asks." Is this the same plants that gruw year in year oot?" The mannie shaks his heid an says." Na, na, efter the last flooer is past I gie the bed a dig ower, pit in some muck an, fin Spring comes roon I saa some fresh seed." Jonsar Eck thanked the mannie for takin time tae explain fit tae dee. " I micht try some neest year mysel, noo I'll awa back an cut mair girse".

As Jonsar Eck worked awa cuttin the girse his mind began tae wander. Yon mannie wi the sweet peas hid jolted his mind back intae action. (Some Job) "Aye he thocht ere wis yon wifie up the Elgin wye." My goodness she hid some show o sweet peas" he said oot loud. This wifie bocht ten bags o peats every time Jonsar Eck went in by her hoose, fit he hid deen for years. Sweet peas need something tae support them an, it wis a auld wire pailin that this wifie relied on tae keep her flooers upricht. Yon wire fence hid stood the test o time for years an years, of coorse it wis a bittie oot o shape. Bit the pailin aye did it's job.

As Jonsar Eck teemed oot the last box o girse he coodnae help bit laugh. "Aye min it wid hae been better if you hid kept quait" he muttered tae himsel. It wis Spring time eence again an, Jonsar Eck wis up the Elgin wye eence again. Fin he gaed in bye the hoose wi the sweet peas ere wis a new timmer fence pit up, a'a spankin new an wi broon paint like stuff. As the wifie peyed Jonsar his money, he remarked aboot the new fence. Yon wifie shook her heid an nivver said a word.

It wis six weeks afore Jonsar Eck landed back at the sweet pea wifie. He coodnae help bit notice that the sweet peas were nae gruwin. Jonsar didnae hae tae ask fit wis wrang, fin the wifie appeared an said. "div you see my sweet peas? Ere wis een or twa affa weak lookin things" Fit div you think wid be wrang?"

As the wifie peyed Jonsar Eck he said." Fit kind o stuff is that you hiv painted the timmer fence wi? If that is a creosote, the rain wid hae rin doon the timmer an your young plants wid hae been killed. I think that's fit his happened.

Jist wi that her man appeared, he wis a banker an, on hearin fit Jonsar Eck said went intae a temper, caed Jonsar Eck athing. "Fit wid a peat mannie ken aboot that." He snarled. "I am a banker a more educated man than you, there is nothing wrong with the wooden fence, good bye.

P.S. It wis aye the banker that came tae the door efter that an he nivver bocht anither peat.

P.P.S. If a sweet pea did gruw aside yon timmer fence, then Jonsar coodnae see it.


FEBRUARY 1998
Sunday 1 Temp-1/1
Frost dis loup an on comes the rain,
En dry a fyle en it dis rain again.

Monday 2 CANDLEMASS DAY
If Candlemass day be fine an fair,
Then half the Winter his tae come an mair,
If Candlemass day be weet an fule,
Half the Winter is past at Yule.

Monday 2 Temp -1/0
Ere's a coverin o sna fin we div rise,
Canna say thats a affa surprise,
Win dis blaw oot o the North East,
Sna, days nae fit for man nor beast.

Tuesday 3 Temp-1/2
Fae the North Wast ere's a cauld blaw,
Aye slowly, slowly the sna dis melt awa.

Wednesday 4 Temp -1/6 Rainfall5/16
Richt fine mornin sae sharp an cauld,
Maks abody gang aboot twa fauld.
Be efterneen ere's a fer bit o change,
Doon comes the rain in the heavy range.

Thursday 5 Temp 2/6 Rainfall 1/16
Een o the best Winters days I hiv seen.
Weak is the sin, wi blue skies up abeen.

Friday 6 Temp 4/7
Surely it's a lee at the gless dis tell,
Win blaws fae the Wast gey near a gale,
Day keeps up aye fine an dry,
Tae keep oorsels warm we div try.

Saturday 7 Temp 0/2
Surley Spring maun be in the air.
Affa bare bit it's bonny an fair.

Sunday 8 Temp3/5
Win fae the Wast it is gey snell.
Gran day bit we wrap up well.

Monday 9 Temp 6/10
Fine an mild wi warmth in o the air.
Day turns oot gran, bonny an fair.
Wither jist noo his yon feel o Spring,
Cast Winter cloot? warnin bells div ring.

Tuesday 10 Temp 3/10
Fae the start o the day throo tae nicht,
Richt fine an sinny bonny an bricht.

Wednesday 11 Temp 3/13
Wither jist noo is ferrly aff the reel,
Bonny day warmth in the air we feel.

Thursday 12 Temp 8/12
Crocus dis look sae bonny an bricht,
Maun admit it's a welcome sicht,
This day turns oot tae be a bummer,
Nae like February mair like Simmer.

Friday 13 Temp 6/14 Rainfall 2/16
Fer breeze o win blaws fae the Wast,
Nae neen cauld, fine warm an saft,

Saturday 14 Temp 8/12
Eence mair the day is affa fine an mild.
Ere's nae sign o winter bein ony wild.


CATARACT
"Hiv you ivver hid a cataract operation?" Ned asks Jonsar Eck." Oh michty me aye" says Jonsar. "I hid baith my een seen till (it shood hae been his heid) aboot five year ago. "Foo lang wis you in the hospital" Asks Ned." Oh na na" replies Jonsar Eck. "In at een o clock an oot at fower the very same day. Naething tae fear, nae neen waur than gaun tae the dentist." Ned looked Jonsar up an doon an asks." Are you sure'?" Jonsar laughs an says." Aye as sure as a cats a hairy beast" Ned shook his heid an said." I'm haein trouble wi ae e'e, bit I dinna ken fit tae tae dee".

Jonsar Eck stopped an said. "I'll tell you a story, a true story. I hid been stopped playin fitba for Pitsliga for twa year or mair. I wis haein my denner ae setterday fin ere wis a knock at the front door. Fin I answered the door there wis twa lads fae the fitba club stannin there. "We are fer stuck for a team Jonsar, you widnae help us oot?" Blurts oot een o the lads. I wis fer teen aback bit, thocht fit wye nae." Och aye I suppose I cood". Says I. "You ken I'll be sair for a week or mebbe mair". Yon twa lads went awa up the street roarin an laughin.

"Noo Ned this is nae a word o a lee" says Jonsar Eck. "I got stripped an hid a kick aboot, you ken I felt fine. Of coorse come time the game got started, it wis three meenits intae the game fin the lace o the ba hit me on the left e'e. PANIC, I coodnae see a thing. I wis teen tae the hospital in Aiberdeen an kept for twa or three days observation. Noo in the ward there wis a lad that hid been operated on for cataract. This mannies heid wis swathed wi bandages, he hid tae sit upricht an nae move for ten days. So you see Ned instead o bein in hospital for twa or three weeks the National Health his got it doon tae twa or three oors."

Ned thocht for twa or three meenits an asks." Fit div they dee tae you? Jonsar Eck started tae explain tae him. "Ere wull be draps pit intae your een an efter a fyle you wull be teen doon tae the theatre in a trolley, naething tull the operation ata". Ned then asks." Wull I be knocked oot?" Jonsar shaks his heid an replies ." Nae fear, they freeze the e'e an you haud a nurses hand. If you feel ony pain jist squeeze the nurses hand an they wull freeze the e'e a bit mair. Efter aboot twenty meenits you are back in the ward haein something tae ait. Ere's naething tull yon ata."

Ned thocht an said." Wis there naething that went wrang? Jonsar Eck shook his heid an said laughingly." Oh aye there wis jist ae hiccup, you see fin you hiv tae haud the nurses hand. You widnae believe this bit it wis a mannie nurses hand I got tae haud."


FEBRUARY 1998
Sunday 15 Temp 5/12 Rainfall 4/16
Fer sup rain oot throo the nicht,
Gran day, shoors o rain affa licht.

Monday 16 Temp 6/6 Rainfall 3/16
Affa rule an weet fin we div rise,
Turns oot dry cauld North win dis rise

Tuesday 17 Temp2/10
Richt fine day sae bonny an bricht,
Affa close fae mornin tae nicht.

Wednesday 18 Temp 6/10
Glorious, glorious, is the day tae be,
Fowk relaxed richt fine tae see.

Thursday 19 Temp 3/10
Eence mair a day at's fine an fair,
Cood this mean, Spring is in the air?
See the crocus pit on a bonny display,
Jist stans stracht up day efter day.

Friday 20 Temp 3/8
Cauld win dis blaw fae the Sooth Wast,
We steel oorsels fae the bare blast.

Saturday 21 Temp 2/10
Richt fine day aye jist eence mair,
Best February for a fyle I div declare.

Sunday 22 Temp 5/9
Fyte frost in the mornin turns oot fine,
Bides like that throo tae nicht time.

Monday 23 Temp 5/9
Het air dis hit me as I step ootside,
Hale day lang ootside I div bide,
Fowk gang aboot in their sark sleeve,
Wither jist noo is hard tae believe.

Tuesday 24 Temp 3/8
Win is awa roon in o the Wast,
Roch an warm bit affa affa saft.

Wednesday 25 Temp 3/10
I'm affa thrawn tae cast yon winter cloot.
Fine day Spring in the air withoot a doot.

Thursday 26 Temp 3/10
Near gale force win blaws oot o the Wast,
Ere's a warm feelin in yon roch blast,
Country side dries up sae bonny an braw,
My forecast I doot wid hae tae be sna.

Friday 27 Temp 0/10 Rain fall 5/16
Oot throo the nicht some rain at last,
Blawin intae us be a win fae the Wast,
Hale day lang ere's a shoor or twa,
Aye shoors o sleet bit maistly sna.

Saturday 28 Temp -2/1
Echt inch o sna fin we div rise,
Sna for the day at's nae surprise.


GOOSEBERRY CRUMBLE
"I dinna think I hiv tasted onything better" Said Jonsar Eck tae the littie wifie. "You ken I dinna ken fit a king wid ait for meals bit, I can assure you it widnae be better than that." Jonsar Eck hid jist ait a plate o mince an tatties an, twa plates o gooseberry crumble. "That crumble is something else" he said. As the little wifie cleared the table she said." Yon bush at the fit o the gairden his affa gweed berries, aye an affa gweed craps." Jonsar Eck jist agreed wi her an gaed awa ben the hoose tae read the paper.

Weel the gooseberry bush hid affa bonny juicy berries this year, the bush bein overladen. So it wis gooseberry crumble every second day bit, Jonsar Eck didnae mind. He thocht it wis a great treat, mind you the little wifie ait her share ana. Aye the twa o them jist over ait at this time o year. Of coorse there wis blackberry bushes, reed currant bushes, rasp bushes. They made jam an crumble as weel. As Jonsar Eck sat scrapin the bowl that hid held the gooseberry crumble the little wifie said."Aye Jonsar you hid better mak the best o that. You see at's the last o the gooseberries, mind you they hiv deen weel. Jonsar Eck said." Aye ginger the cat his deen us weel, div you nae think so". Startled the little wifie asks". Fit div you mean? Jonsar rose fae the table, shook his heid an retorted." Naething, naething ata.

Ere wis ae thing sure the little wifie wisnae gaun tae let this rest or she got tae the bottom o this. So fin they were at their supper neest nicht she asks." Fit his ginger the cat got tae dee wi the gooseberries Jonsar?" Jonsar shook his shooders an said. "Naething, naething." Noo the little wifie wis fer woun up an tells him. "I'm nae gaun tae stop askin or you tell me. Noo for the last time fit his ginger the got tae dee wi gooseberries?"

Jonsar Eck let oot a sigh an says. "Div you mind fin ginger wis run ower on the main road? I scraped fit wis left o him in ower a barra, took the barra doon tae the fit o the gairden an beeried him. You stood an watched me, tears rinnin doon your face" Little wifie answered. "Aye" Tears were rinnin doon her face again. "Weel I planted the gooseberry bush on tap o ginger the cats remains an, fits mair I think he his deen us weel." says Jonsar Eck.

P.S. Jonsar Eck nivver got gooseberry crumble again. The little wifie jist refused tae mak ony.


MARCH 1998
Sunday 1 temp -6/-4
In the mornin ere's a puckle mair sna,
Is it fresh frost? I canna tell ata,
Aye the sna is jist aboot ae fit deep,
Mair shoors o sna so inside I keep.

Monday 2 Temp -3/3
Ferrly fresh in the mornin fin we start awa,
Day bides dry it's nae a bad day ava,
Slowly the sna dis begin tae melt awa,
Sits doon ahin the dyke nae gweed ava.

Tuesday 3 Temp 0/3
In the mornin it dis poor o rain,
En clears up an awa tae frost again.

Wednesday 4 Temp -4/4
Cauld in the mornin bit fine abeen,
Sna lies aboot tae melt it's nae keen.

Thursday 5 Temp -3/5
Been a suppie mair sna throo the nicht,
Roads affa icy, nae a welcome sicht,
Frost or fresh? nae sure aboot at ata,
En taewards nicht ere's some mair sna.

Friday 6 Temp -5/1
Oot throo the nicht ere's a puckle mair sna,
Bonny sky up abeen as the day passes awa,

Saturday 7 Temp-1/1
Howlin gale wi sna aboot twa fit deep,
Aye mair winter claes, on I div heap,
Win an sna the day turns oot a beast,
Need I say the win is roon in the East

Sunday 8 Temp -3/1
Fine an crisp wi this day i'm fer teen,
Aye bonny an blue is the sky up abeen.

Monday 9 Temp -4/1
Parks an dykes wi sna are fer foo,
Stan an look I div scrat my broo,
Day turns oot richt fine an braw,
Forecast of coorse maun be sna.

Tuesday 10 Temp-1/3 Rainfall 15/16
Be mid foreneen on comes the rain,
Oot o the Sooth win dis blaw again,
An slowly, slowly, sits doon the sna.
Bloomin stuff is swear tae gaun awa.

Wednesday 11 Temp -1/3 Rainfall 3/16
Bricht in the mornin en it tries tae rain,
En the sin comes oot brichtens up again.

Thursday 12 Temp -3/3
Jist as I rise the sna begins tae fa,
Fine an quait nae win tae blaw,
En efter a fyle on comes the rain,
Wi a fule weet mist it's against the grain.

Friday 13 Temp 3/8 Rainfall 3/16
Fresh throo the nicht fer shifts the sna,
Dry, bit later on rain nae gweed ata.

Saturday 14 Temp 5/9
Gran day wi warmth in o the air,
Sin peeps oot an it dis bide fair.

Sunday 15 Temp 5/11
Fin we rise it's fine an mild again.
En be mid day it dis poor o rain.


FITBA CRAZY
Hardie Tackle wis rubbin his hands wi glee, he kent be fit wis bein said in the papers an on the T.V. that the European Fitba Championship wid be worth followin. So it wis great excitment an eagerness that he sat doon an watched een or twa games. Of coorse the standard o fitba wis o the highest level. Hardie Tackle coodnae understand fit wye some players jist fell ower wi naebody touchin them. Then a T.V. pundit explained that some players hid played forty five games that season an, were a wee bit washed oot.

Och that wis a'a that Hardie Tackle cood tak. "Michty" he said oot loud. "I used tae work a hale week an, if Pitsliga were deein weel I wid play three games a week. I canna ivver mind o bein tired". He thocht that fitba wis the maist unsportin sport o the lot. He then said oot loud. "That"s mebbe nae a bad thing, mony a game hiv we lost wi bein ower saft taewards oor opponents.

Suddenly the game on the T.V. wis forgotten aboot. "SAFT" He muttered. "I could hae teen Yon Wan Fittit an kicked him up the backside." Hardie Tackle hidnae forgot fit wye Pitsliga hid lost a semi final fitba match. Fin the teams were stripped an the ref wis inspectin players fitba beets (The twa teams were in the same room) Fin the ref came tae een o the opposin players he asks, "Fits this"? Weel a tall lad wis lookin a wee bit sheepish an blurts oot." I hiv left my fitba beets at hame, I'll jist play in my stockin soles."

On hearin this Wan Fittit took a hand." Fit size o beets div you need? The lad looked at his stockin soles an says." Size tens". Wan Fittit wis oot tae his car in a flash an came back wi a auld pair o fitba beets. "You can wear this eens" He said" Ere a auld pair, you see I wear size tens ana". Noo if that's nae sportmanship fit is? Hardie Tackle says. "I hope he is nae a gweed player." A gweed player, he wis brilliant, Wan Fittit wis playin centre half an the tall lad wis playin centre. He simply ran Wan Fittit ragged.

Hardie Tackle suggested tae the lad at half time that he shood gie Wan Fittit his beets back, bit the lad said." They are affa comfy".

This semi final wis affa even, play wis ragin fae end tae end. There wis nae score wi twa or three meenits left, fin Wan Fittit let fustle at the ba, missed an it hit the leg he wis stannin on. Weel the ba bounced tae the lad wearin Wan Fittit's auld beets an, he gleefully thumped the ba intae the net. Hardie Tackle came back tae earth wi a jolt an, as twa superstars on the T.V. held on tae een anithers jersey he roared." At's the wye dinna bother wi sportmanship."


MARCH 1998
Monday 16 Temp 6/10 Rainfall 4/16
Very first thing it's affa weet an fule,
En fine an dry I try tae keep cool,
Later on rain dis poors doon again.
Gey middlin wither jist noo we are haein,

Tuesday 17 Temp 1/12
Gran day bit blustery win dis blaw,
Dee awa wi winter claes? na, na.

Wednesday 18 Temp 2/10 Rainfall 2/16
Cauld strong win the hale day dis blaw,
Nae a bad day aye wi some sin ana.

Thursday 19 Temp 0/10
Yon strong North win dis blaw again,
Fine day, taewards nicht it dis rain.

Friday 20 temp 6/10 Rainfall 3/16
Cauld an bare wi as hoor or twa o rain,
Fit the wither wid be abody widnae ken,
En be midday sin comes oot sae braw,
Bit it disnae tak yon cauldness awa,

Saturday 21 Temp 6/14
Noo this day turns oot richt fine,
Surely it's comin near Spring time.

Sunday 22 Temp 5/9
Mild is the day wi a bit o sinhine,
Richt fae mornin tae nicht time.

Monday 23 Temp 4/8
Wrap oorsels up snug an ticht,
Sooth win blaws wi a'a it's micht,
Day is dry bit affa cauld ana,
Forecast I doot wid hae tae be sna.

Tuesday 24 Temp 2/16
North win is mair than a bittie bare,
I think Spring cood be in o the air.

Wednesday 25 Temp 2/10
Rise in the mornin tae sin shine,
Turns oot a day thats bonny an fine.

Thursday 26 Temp 1/9 Rainfall 3/16
Mornin turns oot richt fule an weet,
Rain gangs aff, win dis us greet,
Win dis rise it blaws oot o the Wast,
Nae a bad day wi a raw nesty blast.

Friday 27 Temp 1/14
Gran day sae bonny an fine,
Wid this be Spring time?

Saturday 28 Temp 1/9
Daffoddils enjoy wither at's fine,
Fine day wi plenty o sinshine.

Sunday 29 Temp 5/10
This day is fine an fair eence mair,
Richt fine spell o wither bare an rare.

Monday 30 Temp 6/10 Rainfall 1/16
Ere's a damp fule mist fin we rise,
Clears up wi sin at's nae surprise.

Tuesday 31 Temp 6/15
Damp an mild is the mornin tae be,
En the sin comes oot sae fine tae see,
Later on a lichtsome shoor or twa,
March hisnae been a bad month ata.


THE WASHING LINE
"Rain, na, na at's nae rain". Said Jonsar Eck tae himsel. "It' mair like a monsoon". (Water wis simply faain oot o the sky) It wis noo nine o'clock in the mornin. Jonsar Eck hid promised tae be in the Broch at ten o'clock wi a load o firewid tae a wifie. Jonsar tried tae phone the wifie, tae say he wid be doon fin the rain went aff. Try as he micht he couldnae get a answer, far the heck wis the bloomin wifie. Of coorse time waits for nae body an, fin the clock said ten Jonsar held awa doon tae the Broch. (It wis still poorin.)

Jonsar Eck pit on his ileskins an knocked at the wifies door, she appeared an says. "Fit are you deein doon here on a day like this"? Jonsar replied. "I did try tae phone bit I couldnae get a answer." Yon wifie stood there an shook her heid. "I hiv been waitin for the B.T. tae sort my phone, it's been oot o order for twa days. I keep phonin fae the phone box, bit nae body his appeared yet. Wull you gang hame an come back the morn Jonsar"? Jonsar shook his heid an says. "Na, na, I'm here noo, ere's naething else tae dee the day you'll get your firewid this very meenit." (It wis teemin doon.)

It wid tak Jonsar Eck a oor tae pit the sticks intae the wifies shed bit wi the coorse wither it took him gey near twa oors. He wis weet on the ootside wi the rain an, weet in the inside wi sweat. Twa oors? it felt like a hale days work. Water wis rinnin oot the erse o his breeks an, he wis a bittie mair than deen. Jonsar coodnae mind fan he worked last on a day like this.

As Jonsar Eck struggled tae cast his ile skins (they were stickin tae his claes wi damp) "Wid you like a cup o tay." Shouts the wifie fae the hoose. Jonsar turned roon and said. "Fit a gweed idea, bit i'll nae come nae farther than the door an try nae tae mak a mess". As the wifie peyed Jonsar they hid a news aboot athing that wis happenin in the world an, of coorse the wither. "Oh aye" said Jonsar as he made for Broon an Roost (his larry) "Ere's aye wither o some kind. noo I'll awa hame, see you again."

It wis ten weeks efter that Jonsar Eck got a phone call ae nicht. It wis fae the wifie fae the Broch. "Oh aye" she laughs. "My phone is sorted an, I wid like anither load o sticks fin you can. Dinna come doon if it is rainin. If I'm nae in I'll send you up a cheque, Weel the wifie wisnae in fin Jonsar Eck went doon tae the Broch wi her firewid. Jonsar Eck jist worked awa an efter he wis finished he hid a look roon the hoose. Ere wis a washin hingin on the claes line (It wis the wifies washin) Fit Jonsar seen he coodnae believe, ere wis twa bath tools, twa hand tools, Three tools for dryin the dishes. In the middle o a'a that there wis three pair o black knickers. Jonsar Eck's stamach went a wee bit squeamish he thocht oot loud." I'll nae hae my tay here again".


APRIL 1998
Temp Celsius - Rainfall Inches

Wednesday 1 Temp 2/6
April begins sae fine, dry an fair,
Bit ere's a cauldness in o the air.

Thursday 2 Temp 3/5
Sooth win dis blaw cauld an bare,
Wither for the day, it dis bide fair.

Friday 3 Temp 0/3 Rainfall 9/16
Hale day lang gale force win dis blaw,
Intae us sleet an weet, weet, sna.
Win of coorse blaws oot o the East,
Day is nae fit for man nor for beast.

Saturday 4 Temp 0/3 Rainfall 4/16
Dull an grey aye an weet as weel,
Dry en rain doonhearted I feel.

Sunday 5 Temp 3/5 Rainfall 14/16
Ere wis a affa rain oot throo the nicht,
Weet an sodden that's the daffodils plicht.
Poors o rain win blaws fae the East,
Lord help the man, lord help the beast.

Monday 6 temp 5/6 Rainfall 6/16
Warm an close an gey damp as weel,
Doon in the dumps noo I div feel,
Sometimes it's rain, sometimes fair,
En come nicht it rains eence mair.

Tuesday 7 Temp 5/7 Rainfall 2/16
Damp an dreary the hale day lang,
Winter shoors far the day began.

Wednesday 8 Temp 2/7
Win blaws oot o the East eence mair,
Ere's a April shoor bit maistly fair.

Thursday 9 Temp 0/7 RAinfall 2/16
Ere's sna in the mornin fin we rise,
It'S damned cauld at's nae surprise,
Gey raw day wi a shoor or twa,
Shoors of coorse o sleet an sna.

Friday 10 Temp -2/6 Rainfall 2/16
A coverin o sna this mornin eence mair,
Cauld wi a fyte shoor bit maistly fair.

Saturday 11 Temp 1/6
Teuchat storm on us it is gey sair.
It's sna shoors for the day eence mair,
Cauld North win hale day dis blaw,
Forecast I doot wid hae tae be sna.

Sunday 12 Temp -1/6 RAinfall 2/16
Fin we rise ere's a fer puckle sna,
Roch North win the hale day dis blaw,
Taewards nicht it's affa coorse an raw,
Affa hard tae tak in for it dings on sna.

Monday 13 Temp -1/3
Anither day at's neen ower braw,
Hale day lang mair flurries o sna

Tuesday 14 temp -2/4
Ere's twa inch o sna fin we div rise
Canna say thats a bit o a surprise,
Shoors o sna an some o sleet.
Need I say the day is a breet.

Wednesday 15 Temp 0/5 RAinfall 17/16
Affa rain an sleet oot throo the nicht,
Same in the momin it's neen ower bricht,
Be mid eftemeen the wither dis clear,
Richt fine nicht, gies abody a bit cheer.


THE WAR CORRESPONDENT
Jonsar Eck wis sittin watchin the news ae nicht an, his bleed began tae bile. Noo the news wis a'a aboot the war in Iraq. Here wis een o yon news mannies haein a go at the British Army. He said." I think there are soldiers goin out on a mission tonight, but the officer in charge will not tell me what is happening." Yon news lad seemed affa upset. Jonsar Eck felt his blood pressure risin at a affa rate. Fit did a war correspondent hae tae question the British Army? It wis a war that wis bein focht, nae mak believe T.V. programme, faar fowk faa aboot actin. Efter the news wis past Jonsar Eck went awa for a wauk, alang Duncan Brae. He couldnae help bit think aboot the time he wis in Cyprus wi the Gordons. " Aye" he thocht oot loudly." Nae bloomin war correspondents in nineteen fifty six." As he made his wye ben Duncan Brae enjoyin the bonny nicht, his memory took a loup back intae the past.

He cood mind on a young lassie comin tae the Gordon's camp in Cyprus an declarin she wis a war correspondent. She demanded that the next time there wis a manoeuvre wi the Gordons she hid tae be teen alang tae see foo the Gordons did there work. The heid Gordon wid hae neen o this, he pinted oot that there wid be a men oot there an somtimes things got a wee bit roch. For instance fit wid she dee if she nocht the toilet? Na, na the lassie jist widnae gie up an the commander said." O.K. on your own head be it."

That very nicht twa platoons o Gordons set oot wi trucks, wi the lassie in ower the front wi the driver. She protested she wid need some sort o weapon tae protect hersel. She wis telt that war correspondents didnae get weapons as they werenae fechtin. Fin the trucks stopped an abody piled oot, fa wis in middle o the sojers? This young lassie, wi her note book takin notes. She wis fer woun up an awa in cloud nine. In a stracht line the Gordons advanced throo a park o water melons, you jist teen your army beet, kicked een an helped yoursel tae a bit o melon. Michty the lassie wis fer enjoyin hersel. Then truth hit hame, a loud command. "Tak cover" Abody wis doon on the grun fer alert, fer keyed up, lookin awye tae see fit wis happenin. It wis jist a wee bit ower much for the war correspondent, as she hid ahin a bush she got a call fae nature.(She wis needin a leak) She thocht ahin a bush, naebody wull se me here. As she wis gettin relief the order came. "Gordons advance" Tae her dismay the bush advanced ana an she wis left sittin there.


APRIL 1998
Thusday 16 Temp -2/10
Rise in the mornin the days a breet,
Steady rain fyles turnin tae sleet,
En ir turns oot dry bit cauld,
Fowk gang aboot near twa fauld.

Friday 17 Temp 4/7 Rainfall 2/16
At lang last a day thats fine an dry,
Cauld North win tae keep warm we try.

Saturday 18 Temp 2/15
North win hale day persists tae blaw,
Maks a richt fine day feel cauld an raw

Sunday 19 Temp 0/15
It's anither day at's sae fine an dry,
Fae the North win tae keep warm we try.

Monday 20 Temp 5/12
Weet the hale day the note is soor,
Spleetry shoors, mair than a April shoor.

Tuesday 21 Temp 4/10
Nae a bad day it's jist aboot dry,
Tae rain eence or twice it did try.

Wednesday 22 Temp 5/7
Gale force win fae the Sooth dis blaw,
Rain in the mornin sae bare an raw,
Later on win dees doon it's gey licht,
Comes oot fine noo at's a welcome sicht.

Thursday 23 Temp 5/10 Rainfall 6/16
Day starts awa gey dull an weet,
Later on some sin it dis us greet.

Friday 24 Temp 6/12
Here is a day wi a fer bit drocht,
Aye days like this at's fit's socht.

Saturday 25 Temp 4/15 Raifall 3/16
Been a fer bit o rain oot thro the nicht,
Athing clairty in a rule weet plicht.

Sunday 26 Temp 5/19 Rainfall 2/16
It his been rainin jist eence again,
Turns oot fine so I winna complain,
Fermer is mair than busy jist noo,
Tryin tae saa some crap nae stue.

Monday 27 Temp 4/15
Dull day wi a bit o warmth in the air,
April shoor or twa jist aboot bides fair.

Tuesday 28 Temp 2/12 Rainfall 2/16
Gran day wi some heat as weel ,
Cast winter claes? I winna be feel.

Wednesday 29 Temp 6/12
Dull an grey an affa dismal tee,
At's the wye this day is tae be.

Thursday 30 Temp 6/14
This day turns oot sae fine an dry,
Tae peep throo the sin dis try,
Fae the North pir o win dis blaw,
Keep on winter claes for a day or twa.


THE THREE TAED FORK
It wis a richt bonny day an, Jonsar Eck wis workin awa in the moss.(He gey near bade in the moss) Jonsar wis feelin a wee bit disgruntled wi himsel. You see the wither hid been affa middlin ower the last fortnicht an, the peats he wis tryin tae spread were a'a stuck the gither. Of coorse the peats were jist brakin, he wis jist wastin his time. Jonsar Eck yoked a strae fork wi the usual twa taes. This wis nae eese ata, the twa taes jist slid throo the peat brakin it intae little bits. As Jonsar Eck sat watchin the T.V. ae nicht his mind wandered awa back tae fin he wis a loon. In the Spring time fin his father wis makin neep grun, he used a three taed fork. This fork wis used tae gither knott girse, a weed that wis dominant lang ago. (Sprayin kills the knott girse noo a days) Jonsar thocht tae himsel, aye een o yon forks wid dee fine. Yon three taed fork wid tak a firm haud o the peat an, the peat wid bide hale. It wid be a lot easier on the back as weel. Neest lair in the moss tae Jonsar Eck wis a crafter mannie fa wis haein a roup. This mannie wis weel ower retirin age an, him an his wife thocht it wis time they retired an, hae a easy time for the rest o their lives. Fin the mannie appeared an started tae cast peats Jonsar gaed awa ower tae speak tae him. Jonsar asked. "Seein you are haein a roup, I winnered if you wid hae a auld three taed fork? You see it wid be handy for spreadin peats." Weel the mannie jist shook his heid an said." Na, na I've naething like that ata". Twa days efter Jonsar Eck wis teemin some sawdust intae the skip in the Circle in Pitsliga an, fit did he see bit a sma fower taed fork, it affa weel worn, nae shaft, bit it cood be sorted an used for spreadin peats. Jonsar asked Skippy. "Cood I hae that fork min?" Skippy shrugged his shooders an said." Och please yoursel." That fork wis in ower Broon An Roost (at's Jonsars truck) quicker than you cood spit. Jonsar raked oot a auld shaft an fitted it intae the fork. he wis awa tae the moss jist like a dog wi twa tails Jonsar Eck wis workin awa. The fork wis jist perfect) Fin the mannie fae the nest lair appeared, he started tae spread peats wi a fork. Jonsar wis a wee bit curious aboot this an went awa ower tae see fit wis goin on. "Oh" says the mannie." I raked this auld three taed fork oot efter I gaed hame. I suppose i'm up market fae you Jonsar you dinna hae a three fork." Jonsar Eck jist shook his heid an gaed awa back tae work. Every time Jonsar spoke tae the mannie he cast up aboot the three taed fork, pintin oot Jonsar didnae hae een. Noo Jonsar Eck didnae like tae say he hid a fower taed fork an wis a bittie mair upmarket than the mannie. He micht be a wee bit upset.


MAY 1998
Friday 1 Temp 2/15
Gran day wi some sin at's rare,
North win is still a bittie bare.

Saturday Temp 3/10
North win the hale day dis blaw,
Fine an dry gey cauld an raw.

Sunday 3 Temp 4/12
Fine day bit still a chill in the air,
Win fae the North dis feel bare.

Monday 4 Temp 5/10 Rainfall 2/16
At last a day at's warm an fine,
Wither dis rain come nicht time.

Tuesday 5 Temp 2/12
Gran mornin aye wi sin as weel,
Fine an content it maks me feel,
Come mid efterneen the note is soor,
Aye it's a bit late for a April shoor.

Wednesday 6 Temp 1/16 Rainfall 6/16
Fine mornin wi some sin sae fine,
Wid this I winner be Simmer time,
Be midday shoors o sleet an hail,
Tae dislike this day I coodnae fail.

Thursday 7 Temp 3/16
Gran mornin it's a richt welcome sicht,
Fine an drochty aye tae wards nicht.

Friday 8 Temp 2/19
Sooth East win is a bittie snell,
We maun of coorse wrap well,
Fine dry day an taewards nicht,
Oot comes the sin bonny an bricht.

Saturday 9 Temp 5/11
Haar hings aboot for maist o the day,
Sin taewards nicht fine I div say.

Sunday 10 Temp 5/19
Nae haar nae mist bonny an clear,
On this day I see for far an near.

Monday 11 Temp 4/18
This day turns oot sae braw an fine.
Richt fae mornin throo tae nicht time.

Tuesday 12 Temp 6/15
Nae a fine day sin disnae brak throo,
Dry bit I div hae tae scrat my broo,
Trees div turn tae a richt fresh green,
Tae coont the shades i'm fer keen.

Wednesday 13Temp 6/19
Gran day fae mornin throo tae nicht,
Pir o win, plenty sin a welcome sicht.

Thursday 14 Temp 7/20
Cool in the mornin ere's a thick haar,
Oot comes the sin best day be far.

Friday 15 Temp 7/20
Affa quait aye an warm as weel,
Fowk in simmer attire happy I feel.


THE AULD KIRK
It wis a richt fine day an Jonsar Eck wis awa on a bus run. Wi haein tae drive maist o workin life Jonsar ferrly enjoyed a hurl in a bus. As he twisted his heid roon aboot near stanin up tae hae a richt look o the country side. He said tae some o the fowk in the bus." You canna see onything fin you are drivin". As they gaed awa up the Elgin wye Jonsar Eck hid a look ower at the auld kirk that stood on tap o a hill. He broke intae a sweat an, he started tae tell the fowk on the bus a story aboot the kirk on tap o the hill. "It's like this" states Jonsar Eck. "Yon kirk came up for sale aboot seven year ago. Naebody seemed tae want tae buy yon monster o a buildin. Bit fin I gaed by the end o the road ae day I noticed the for sale sign hid been teen doon. So awa I went in aboot tae see if I could sell ony peats. I knocked at the door an a mannie came tae the door. He spoke in gey broken English. (He wis German.)

On seein the peats he bocht ten bags an asked me tae call again the next time I wis up the Elgin wye. Yon German mannie turned the kirk intae a hotel for Germans tae come an bide their holidays in Scotland. It really wisnae a sucess, the first twa year the German said he wis gey near broke. It wis so cheap for Germans tae flee tae Spain an athing wis a gweed bit cheaper fin they reached Spain. I wis real sorry for the German, it took a lot o guts tae come tae a strange country an start up a business. Me an the German got on fine an, he aye bocht something every time I went in aboot. Fin I retired twa year ago the Germans business wis boomin, Germans that hid come ower for a holiday were so pleased wi the views fae the kirk an the district, they went hame an telt their freens, an the German hid hit a winner. Noo the only thing I didnae like wis yon doberman dog, bit I'll tell you this it did like me. Fit happened wis een o the first times I went in aboot, I rang the bell bit couldnae get naebody tae answer the door. Door wis stannin open so I hid a look aboot. There wis the German awa doon at the fit o the gairden. Och weel I opened the gate gaed him a shout an gaed awa doon tae see him. Fit a bigake I got, I didnae ken he hid a dog, it wis at me in a flash, jist in a split second. My brain said RIN bit my feet were rooted tae the spot. Yon doberman sunk it's teeth intae the knee o my breeks, pit it's twa muckle paws on my shooders an then licked my face. Noo the German wisnae happy sayin it wis supposed tae be a guard dog. I wis happy aricht, I wis still in ae bit. Weel, haud awa fae the skid marks on my drawers.


MAY 1998
Temp Celsius - Rainfall Inches

Saturday 16 Temp 8/22
Gran day wi a cool breeze
Fine workin day I feel at ease

Sunday 17 Temp 6/19
Anither fine day wi some sin as weel.
Trees in bloom tae me they appeal.

Monday 18 Temp 6/20
Great day wi nae a breath o air,
Simply enjoy the sinshine affa rare,
It's the finest sicht I hiv seen,
Trees in bloom bonny an green.

Tuesday 19 Temp 11/18
Tae keep us cool ere's a pir o win,
Gran day an ere's plenty o sin.

Wednesday 20 Temp 11/20
Ere's been a shoor oot throo the nicht,
Bit the day turns oot sae fine an bricht.

Thursday 21 temp 5/15 Rainfall 3/16
Ere's a shoor or twa durin the foreneen,
It's a affa lot cooler than it his been,
Countryside is bonny an bricht wi the rain,
Fine tae see the trees in full bloom again

Friday 22 Temp 5/12
First it's mist en on comes the rain,
Dis clear up en back tae rain again.

Saturday 23 Temp 8/12
Fule an weet the day is jist a breet,
Clears up later on, sin dis us greet.

Sunday 24 Temp 8/15 Rainfall 2/16
North Wast win the hale day dis blaw,
Ere's a fer bit sin bit it's cauld ana.

Monday 25 Temp 7/16 Rainfall 1/16
Noo the win fae the North is affa bare,
An ney very lang dis it bide fair,
En the day brichtens noo an again,
Bit taewards nicht it poors o rain.

Tuesday 26 Temp 5/10 Rainfall 2/16
Aboot this day I mumph an grumph,
Cauld an dry en thunner plumps.

Wednesday 27 Temp 3/9 Rainfall 2/16
East win dis blaw an it's affa cauld,
Winter claes aff gang aboot twa fauld,
Dull the hale day an it's affa grey,
It's a bittie late for the gab o May.

Thursday 28 temp 4/9 Rainfall 2/16
Dull day an affa affa grey is the sky,
Hale day lang it struggles tae bide dry.

Friday 29 Temp 3/8
Cauld North win it's neen ower fine,
Dry day bit it's jist like winter time.

Saturday 30 Temp 5/8
Anither day at's dry bit affa cauld,
Fowk gang aboot gey near twa fauld.

Sunday 31 Temp 5/8
Cauld it's cauld aye beyond belief,
Tae get inside is a great relief,
I ken fit tae dee in this cauld days,
Awa an rake oot yon winter claes.


MANURE
Doon on the ferm far Jonsar Eck wis brocht up there wis aye time tae hae a cup o tay. Jonsar Eck left school an started tae work wi his father on the ferm. His father aye insisted that they lowse a quarter a oor early. Tae gie them time tae get hame an hae a wash afore they sat doon tae their meal. It didnae metter fa came in aboot, they wid be offered a cup o tay. It didnae metter if it wis a salesman sellin bits for tractors or sic like, they were teen intae the hoose for a cup o tay. It wis Spring time, an there wis a richt hard frost ae mornin. It wis jist a richt day for teemin a coort o muck. So the nowt were pit intae a near bye park wi a bale o hey tae keep them quait, Jonsar Eck an his father set aboot the muck fae the first coort. Wi the frost bein sae hard the tractor didnae mark the park, they were jist gettin on gran. Neest day it wis the same again as they started teemin the second coort, it wis wearin on tae nicht an the second coort jist aboot teem, fin fa should come in aboot bit a salesman fae a feed firm. He wis sellin feed for the nowt. It wis tay time an the salesman wis teen intae the hoose an his tay poored oot tae him.

Jonsar Eck came intae the hoose ten meenits later an telt his father there wis twa load o muck left in the coort. As the salesman sat ther tellin stories aboot foo much he hid selt an, foo the market wis in ither business, (he wis an affa lad tae news) Auld Eck suddenly stood up an said tae the salesman. "I'm awa tae caw oot yon twa load o muck, Jonsar an me wull leave you tae your tay. I'll see you the neest time you come roon. Here's my order, you jist sit there an enjoy your tay. This mannie he jist widnae stop spikkin. He kept on an an on, he jist widnae stop. Jonsar's mither said." I'll gie you a fresh cup o tay, noo you jist hae anither piece." As the salesman thanked Jonsar Eck's mither he made for the door. Fin he reached the door he stopped an said." You know Mrs Jonsar, muck is a very dirty way of describing what your husband is doing. It would be far, far better if your husband said manure. Do you think he will be willing to change when you ask him? Jonsar Eck's mither couldnae believe fit she wis hearin, she snorted. "Change, he winna change, I hiv been merrit tae him for thirty five year. Div you ken it his teen me thirty three years for me tae get him tae say muck."


JUNE 1998
Temp Celsius - Rainfall Inches

Monday 1 Temp 4/10
Dry day bit tae rain it tries sair,
Chilly for June bit it dis bide fair.

Tuesday 2 Temp 5/12
Chilly for June his been a sayin sae lang.
Tae say that jist noo widnae be wrang,
Weak is the sin, win cauld an affa bare,
Didnae care for the day it did bide fair.

Wednesday 3 Temp 3/14 Rainfall 1/16
Dry day bit affa cauld eence mair,
East win on us is a bittie sair.

Thursday 4 Temp 2/12
Cracker o a mornin wi warm sinshine,
En wither changes aboot denner time,
Sultry an het wi a thunner plump or twa,
Clears up at nicht wi some sin sae braw.

Friday 5 Temp 2/15 Rainfall 1/16
Mornin turns dull I div groan,
Comes oot fine aye later on.

Saturday 6 Temp 7/10
This day turns oot a richt cauld breet,
En it poors o rain athing soakin weet.

Sunday 7 Temp 9/15 Rainfall 8/16
We feel the warmth in o the air,
See fowk gang aboot withoot a care.

Monday 8 Temp 6/7 Rainfall 2/16
Rain in the mornin it's neen ower fine,
En be midday ere's some sinshine,
Wither turns sultry an affa heavy,
Ae thing sure midges on o a spree.

Tuesday 9 Temp 7/10 Rainfall 6/16
Rain an rain an mair rain still,
Fan wull it gang aff? If ivver it will,
For the hale day rain dis poor,
An for me the note is gey soor.

Wednesday 10 Temp 5/7 Rainfall 10/16
Rain in the mornin the mood is dooncast,
Cauld in the efterneen bit dry ar last.

Thursday 11 Temp 3/10 Rainfall 2/16
Bricht in the mornin wi plenty sinshine,,
North win maks the day feel nae sae fine,
Last twa or three days were like a monsoon,
Wet, cauld, wither for the month o June.

Friday 12 Temp 3/15
Cauld mornin comes oot fine an bricht,
Plenty o sinshine a richt welcome sicht.

Saturday 13 Temp 3/12
Anither day sae fine an fair,
Wi a touch o win a bittie bare.

Sunday 14 Temp 7/11
Look oot yon winter claes eence mair.
Dry North win a bit mair than bare.

Monday 15 Temp 6/8 Rainfall 4/16
Poorin o rain fin we div rise,
Canna say at's a great surprise,
Day settles doon ta spit or twa,
An still the North win it dis blaw.


TECHNICOLOR
Ere wis a affa steer outside een o the Pitsliga shops this mornin. An affa lot o fowk were at the shop door starin at something. "Noo I winner fit this is for?" said ae wifie. "I dinna ken," said ae lad lookin fer bemused. Fin Jonsar Eck came tae the shop door he could see fit wis causin the stramash. Lined up ootside a the shop wis six half barrels, fer foo o peat an sand. "Och," a wifie says. "I doot the shop fowk are gaun tae be gruwin flooers. Noo the crowd that wis stannin ther a'a agreed that it wid be nae eese, bairns an bigger bairns wid jist vandalise the flooers afore they got started tae gruw. Jonsar Eck shook his heid an said tae ae wifie. "I hope this works, it wid be a affa bonny show here. I tell you fit I'll be keepin a look oot tae see fit kind o flooers they pit in". It wisnae lang afore the seed that hid been saain were peepin throo. They looked a richt healthy lot an, wi a suppie rain an a wee bit o Spring heat it wisnae lang afore the flooers were loupin up in the air. Of coorse the vandals couldnae leave the barrels aleen, an set aboot pooin oot the young plants. This wisnae bairns, it wis fowk a bittie aulder, fowk that hid nae respect for ony thing or onybody. Efter a puckle quarrels an argy bargy things settled doon an, the barrels began tae look fine an healthy. Yon young plants simply took aff. It wisnae lang afore the front o the shop looks as if there wis a hedge gruwin there. Atween, the barrels wis aboot twa fit, You couldnae squeeze a preen atween them noo. It wis jist a mass o foilage. It wisnae lang afore the flooers came intae bloom, tae say the least they were affa bonny, aye a affa impressive show. Fin Jonsar Eck waulked past the flooers ae day he said. "Michty fittin bonny colours, I think we wull ca the shop fowk Mr an Mrs Technicolor." Jonsar Eck wis in the shop buyin een or twa things. Mr Technicolor wis servin a wifie. "Michty me your flooers are affa bonny" She says. "Fit div you feed them on?" Mr Technicolor shook his heid an says. "Naethig mair than a bottle o tamata feed". Fin Jonsar Eck wis peyin his errands he asked Mr Technicolor." Fit div you feed your flooers wi?" Mr Technicolor says, "Tamata feed." Jonsar said, "It's nae workin affa weel is it?" Mr Technicolor snarled, "Thats the bonniest flooers roon aboot." Jonsar Eck answered. "I div agree wi that, bit I canna see ony tamatas"


JUNE 1998
Tuesday 28 Temp 4/12
Fine dry day bit affa sultry as weel,
This day tae the midges it dis appeal.

Wednesday 17 Temp 5/20
Fine and dry affa grey thats the sky,
Offerin o a shoor as the day wear bye.

Thursday 18 Temp 6/12
Swipe, an swat, curse an swear,
Midge intae us it dis ferrly tear,
En be efterneen it's a better story,
Sin dis come oot in a'a it's glory.

Friday 19 Temp 7/16
Mist turns oot sae affa fule an weet,
En a sup rain day cood be a breet,
Sin comes oot, het an affa sultry tee,
Rin for cover the midge is on a spree.

Saturday 20 Temp 10/27
For the day sin in a'a it's glory,
Richt fine is the day at's my story.

Sunday 21 Temp 15/20
Tae come oot the sin is gey swear,
Later on fowk in their simmer gear.

Monday 22 Temp 10/12
Affa het an sultry wi a midge or twa,
Oot comes the sin bonny an braw

Tuesday 23 Temp 8/20
Ere's a fresh win wi a shoor o rain,
Nae a monsoon sin shines again,
Affa het an close aye sultry tee,
Taewards nicht mair than ae midge.

Wednesady 24 Temp Rainfall 1/16
Fae the Sooth a fresh pir o win,
Fine an warm wi plenty o sin.

Thursday 25 Temp 10/25
Here is a day at's jist a bummer,
Affa het aye it maun be Simmer.
Gweed o the wither fermer dis tak,
As he finishes aff the silage crap

Friday 26 Temp 10/20 Rainfall 4/16
Noo wid it rain or wid it nae?
In the foreneen, it's hard tae say,
In the efterneen we feel at eaze,
Fine in the sin wi a cool breeze.

Saturday 27 Temp
Fin we rise the sin is on fire,
See fowk in Simmer attire.

Sunday 28 Templ0/20
Anither fine it turns oot trumps,
Ere's mair than ae thunner plump.

Monday 29 Temp 9/19 Rainfall 4/16
Rain throo the nicht fer lays the stue,
Sin in the mornin bonny an blue.
Turns cool an tae rain it did try
Nae a bad day at leat it is dry

Tuesday 30 Temp 9/20 Rainfall 12/16
Fule an weet is the day tae be,
Naebody in sark sleeves cood I see.


SPECS
It wis the beginin o September an the wither wis gettin a gweed bit caulder. Jonsar Eck set aboot gettin things ready fur the comin winter. He checked tae see if he hid candles, jist in case the licht went aff. Filled a lantren wi paraffin an a wee stove, so he cood bile a kettle if there wis nae power, He then cleaned them an made sure they were workin, afore pittin them back in their boxes. Noo it wis ootside tae ckeck the heatin, his hoose wis heated wi ile central heatin. It wis a auld system bit it aye worked fine, makin his hoose affa fine an cosy in the winter months. Fin he switched the ile biler on it fired richt awa bit, efter a meenit or twa it cut oot an, widnae start again for aboot ten meenits or so. Jonsar Eck thocht thats nae eese so he phoned the electrician that aye came an fixed it. It wisnae lang or the electrician came oot an fixed the fault. "Noo" he said. "That's your heatin ready for the winter" Jonsar Eck peyed him an thanked him for bein so quick.

Fin Jonsar Eck started tae tidy up efter the electrician hid left, he nocht his glesses tae see fit he wis deein. Jonsar coodnae believe it the glesses hid disappeared. He hunted awye for them, looked in every neuk an cranny bit the glesses hid simply vanished. Jonsar Eck wis affa short sichted an wis fer lost without his specs.

Jonsar Eck kept lookin for the glesses, he looked in a'a the boxes far his spanners were kept bit, na, na, there wis nae sign o them ata. Jonsar Eck then came across a big muckle spanner that hid been left ahin be the electrician. Jonsar went awa up tae the electrician's hoose wi the spanner. On seein Jonsar the electrician said "Och it's nae broken doon again is it? Noo I'm at my supper, "I'll come over as seen as I'm finished". Jonsar Eck shaks his head an asks. "Hiv you nae lost a spanner?" haudin up the muckle key. "Mighty me I need that every day" says the electrician. "Thanks for bringin it up tae the hoose. Jonsar Eck turned tae gang awa, stopped an asks "dinna suppose you hiv my specs, you see I've lost them". Well the electrician raked intae his biler suit pooches an, lo an behold oot came two pair o specs. He blurts oot. "Fit tae heck I shood jist hae ae pair o specs". Jonsar Eck kent his glesses at a glance an asks the electrician, "are you gan for a operation on your hips neest week?" The electrician says, "Aye" Jonsar Eck replies. "Weel get your heid seen tae as weel".


JULY 1998
Temp Celsius - Rainfall Inches
Wednesday 1 Temp 7/9 Rainfall 2/16
Started awa affa weet an affa bare,
Bides like that for the day I dinna care.

Thursday 2 Temp 7/8 Rainfall 1/16
Is this October? or mebbe July?
Scrat the heid an winner fit wye,
Is the wither sae damp an cauld,
Fowk gang aboot gey near twa fauld.

Friday 3 Temp 7/20
It's ferrly cauld fin we div rise,
Turns oot a fine day fit a surprise.

Saturday 4 Temp 9/18
Damp or weet fit's the day tae be?
Sin comes oot, Fit wull it dee?
Cool North win hale day dis blaw,
An ere's a lichtsome shoor or twa.

Sunday 5 Temp 7/13 Rainfall 1/16
Wid it it rain? Or mebbe bide dry,
Cool an damp, this day we winna fry.

Monday 6 Temp 6/15 Rainfall 2/16
At least this day it dis bide dry,
Tae get the heat up sair we try.

Tuesday 7 Temp 7/12 Rainfall 2/16
Cauld is the win that blaws fae the Wast,
Gey near I wid say a richt icy blast,
En taewards nicht the sin peeps oot,
Aye a richt fine nicht withoot o doot.

Wednesday 8 Temp 7/15
Affa dull an quait beyond belief,
Midges galore, inside tae get relief,
En later on the rain dis poor doon,
Ere's nae a breath o air I div froon.

Thursday 9 Temp 9/18 Rainfall 2/16
This day dis turn oot nae bad ava,
Fresh is the win wi some sin ana.

Friday 10 Temp 10/19
Fine an warm, en cauld, en warm again,
Warm an sultry en it poors o rain.

Saturday 11 Temp 8/20 rainfall 2/16
Some licht shoors an some mist ana,
Wither for the day nae gweed ava,
In the efterneen the sin dis come oot,
Turns oot nae a bad day withoot a doot.

Sunday 12 Temp 8/20
Cool an cauld it's against the grain,
Taewards nicht it dis poor o rain.

Monday 13 Temp 8/8 Rainfall 22/16
An affa rain oot throo the nicht,
Puddles a wye nae a bonny sicht,
Hale day lang heavy rain dis poor,
Aye an for me the note is soor.

Tuesday 14 Temp 8/12 Rainfall 32/16
Look oot the windae athing fer sodden,
Rain throo the nicht athing doon trooden.

Wednesday 15 Temp 9/17 Rainfall 1/16
Country side noo dis begin tae dreep,
Warm an sultry wi a fer bit o heat.


THE THRASHIN MULL
Fin Jonsar Eck answered the phone, fa shood it bit Larry Ake. "Aye, aye Jonsar I hiv a tape here it's a'a aboot a thrashin mull. Wid you like tae come doon tae the hoose an see it?" Jonsar Eck wis teen a wee bit aback bit. Withoot thinkin answered, "Och aye. I'll be doon richt awa." It wis an affa gweed tape, wi a lot o auld tractors an implements an sic like. Fin the tape came tae the thrashin mull Jonsar Eck wis fer pleased wi fit he wis seein. A thrashin mull wis a machine that separated the grain fae the strae. It took ten or eleven fowk tae mak a richt squad. Shaves were biggit intae roon rucks durin the hairst, an it teen twa lads tae fork shaves aff the ruck on tae thrashin mull. Yon shaves were set upon be twa lousers, fa cut the binder twine an handed the shaves tae the feeder. Shaves were drappit doon the drum be the feeder. Grain fell doon on tae riddles that separated sma grain an the gweed grain. The grain then ran doon a chute intae bags. It took three men tae keep the grain in order, wi a affa lot o heavy liftin. Strae wis teen ben the shakers far it landed in a buncher, far three men threw the bunches tae a chiel fa wis biggin a ruck or a soo. You see it took onything fae ten men tae twal men tae mak a squad. As a metter o fact the mair fowk the better, it made things easier. Bit this wisnae happenin on the tape, there wis a lad stannin on tap o the mull gaun fer feel wi a knife. He wis cuttin the binder tow a'a richt bit, he wisnae spreadin the shave oot. Jonsar Eck pinted this oot tae Larry Ake. "Noo fit odds wid that mak?" Asks Larry Ake. Jonsar Eck said. "Wi nae spreadin the shave oot the drum widnae hae time tae strip the grain fae the strae. As a metter o fact if you went roon tae the strae end o the mull you wid be surprised foo much grain wis bein left on the strae. I'll tell you this Larry Ake, yon lad feedin the mull his nivver worked on a thrashin mull afore. If he worked like that he wid hae been secked on the spot. "Larry Ake hid teen the tape himsel an wis nae affa pleased wi fit he wis hearin." I suppose you could dee better". He grumphed.

Jonsar Eck let oot sigh an said." You ken I went wi a travilin mull noo an again, it belanged tae a lad doon aboot Sandhole some wye. "Larry Ake looked ower an said. "Oh I didnae ken that, it's a peety you didnae hae a camera wi you an you cood hae shown us fit tae dee."

Jonsar Eck sat up an says. "Oh I did hae a camera wi me, I hid my twa een an fit happened is firmly printed in my mind. Sometime I'll tell you a true story o fit happened fin I wis wi a travilin mull.


JULY 1998
Temp Celsius - Rainfall Inches

Thursday 16 Temp 10/23
Gran day fae mornin throo tae nicht,
Ere's plenty o sin a richt fine sicht.

Friday 17 Temp 6/10 Rainfall 7/16
Eence mair the countryside is soakin weet,
Midges an flees pits me intae retreat,
Day is affa sultry an heavy as weel,
Noo oor be oor mair wabbit I div feel.

Saturday 18 Temp 6"10 Rainfall 3/16
Fule weet drizzle the hale day lang,
Richt fae mornin fae the day began.

Sunday 19 Temp 2/16
Affa heavy an sultry aye het as weel,
Flees an midges jist gang fer feel,
Lichtsome rain as the day wears bye,
Affa unhealthy day I let oot a sigh.

Monday 20 Temp 10/15 Rainfall 7/16
Noo this day bides fine an dry,
Bit tae rain it ferrly dis try.

Tuesday 21 Temp 11/12 Rainfall 4/16
Dry at first then rain in the heavy range,
Slowly, slowly, day begins tae change,
Be efterneen the sin dis come oot,
Richt fine nicht withoot a doot.

Wednesday 22 Temp 10/13
Fine day wi a fresh pir o win,
An later on oot comes the sin.

Thursday 23 Temp 10/15 Rainfall 4/16
Dry bit gey cauld is the day tae be,
An afore nicht it begins tae rain tee.

Friday 24 Temp 6/10 Rainfall 6/16
Richt bonny day sae fresh an fine.
Heavy thunner plump at denner time,
Thunner plumps o sleet an hail,
Tae amaze me the wither winna fail.

Saturday 25 Temp 7/14 Rainfall 1/16
This day dis jist aboot bide dry,
Bit tae rain sair the wither dis try.

Sunday 26 Temp 8/12 Rainfall 3/6
Mair than cool nae affa warm ava,
Ere's aye a lichtsome shoor or twa.

Monday 27 Temp 9/25 Rainfall 3/16
Braw mornin affa warm an richt fine,
Hale day lang ere's plenty o sinshine.

Tuesday 28 Temp 12/28
Dull an quait nae a breath o fresh air,
Struggles affa hard tae bide fair,
Then of coorse the note turns soor,
Oot o the sky the rain dis poor.

Wednesday 29 Temp 9/11 Rainfall 16/16
Still rain in the affa heavy range,
Hope against hope day dis change,
Canna help bit feel a bit o dismay,
For still an quait like that a'a day.

Thursday 30 Temp 11/11 Rainfall 3/16
Hale day fae the sky poors the rain,
It's monsoon season eence again,
Countryside is jist dreepin weet,
Month o July his been a breet.

Friday 31 Temp 10/11 Rainfall 3316
In the mornin fule an weet ,
Dry in the efterneen, nae ony heat.


THE MEAL GIRNAL
It wis New Years day an Jonsar Eck wis doon at Larry Ake's hoose for his New Years denner. He hid been deein this for thirty odd year an wis lookin forrit tae a gweed tuck in. If you came awa fae this table hungry there wis something wrang wi you. There wis athing abody could think on, washed doon wi a suppie barley wine. Efter the meal the bottles came oot. (The T.V. wis switched aff) an a puckle stories were aye telt. Larry Ake says." Aye noo Jonsar, you said you wid tell us a true story aboot fin you wis travilin wi a thrashin mull. Weel you nivver hid a better chance, so lets hear fit there is tae tell. Jonsar Eck cleared his throat an said, "I swear tae abody here this is true. It wis a mannie doon be Sandhole that hid the mull. He hid twa mebbe three thrashin mulls. Fin the back end o the year started tae draw in the fermer wid need mait for his nowt. It wid be the month o October fin he wid hae the thrashin mull in aboot tae thrash some rucks. That wid gie him strae tae feed an bed his nowt wi. It also gaed the fermer oats tae feed his hens, sometimes oats were bruised (Squashed) for feed tae the nowt. That's fan I wid get a call fae the mannie at Sandhole. Wi him haein three mulls oot workin he did need some extra men. It wis often the same at the Spring o the year. Fermers feed wid be gaun deen an, mair than that he wid need seed tae pit in his crap, so eence again the thrashin mull wis needed, I wid get anither call tae help oot as he wis busy. It wis ae back end fin the mannie telt the lad in charge o the mull that he wanted him an me. (there wis aye twa men gaed wi a thrashin mull) tae gang tae Millbrex, we wid hae a timmer hut on wheels tae bide in an, we wid be awa for a week. Weel we were baith young an set oot trailin the mull an hut ahin the tractor. The tractor wis a Field Marshall. (POM POM) We landed at the first ferm an set up the mull for neest mornin. We got oor supper fae the fermers wife an some het water tae hae a wash. It wis then intae the hut wi a parrafin lamp an try tae read a book. Aye it early tae bed. Neest mornin we were up at six, got water tae hae a wash. Then doon tae the breakfast table. I hid a plate o porridge, fin the wifie asked if I wid like mair I said aye, She assured me there wis bacon an eggs as weel. I wis fer famished an said I wid easy manage that. As she took my plate my een followed her past the meal girnal fit wis open wi a muckle grey cat curled up amin the meal. Noo I wis hungry an forced doon yon porridge an tried tae enjoy my bacon an eggs. I'll tell you this it wisnae sae gweed as the meal that I hid jist noo."


AUGUST 1998
Temp Celsius - Rainfall Inches

Saturday 1 Temp 8/12 Rainfall 3/16
Affa dull an grey noo fit can I say?
Some lichtsome shoors durin the day.

Sunday 2 Temp 8/18
Sin in the momin richt throo tae nicht,
Changes tae rain bit the shoors are licht.

Monday 3 Temp 11/11 Rainfall 8/16
Wither seems affa affa swear tae change,
Rain eence mair in the affa heavy range,

Tuesday 4 Temp 8/18
Fine fresh mornin aye bonny an bricht,
Twa or three thunner plumps aboot nicht.

Wednesday 4 Temp 10/18 Rainfall 1/16
Gran day wi a fer bit o breeze,
Fowk in Simmer attire feel at ease.

Thursday 6 Temp 11/19 Rainfall 6/16
Starts awa dry bit neen ower bricht,
Oot comes the sin a welcome sicht.

Friday 7 Temp 6/22 Rainfall 1/16
Dull an affa grey the day starts awa,
Oot comes the sin sae bonny an braw,
As nicht comes in gless faas a degree,
Aye jist richt for yon pest the midge.

Saturday 8 Temp 7/15
Michty me the withers agley eence mair,
Richt fine an sinny I hope there's mair.

Sunday 9 Temp 8/16
Richt fine day wi a pir o het win,
It's jist a affa peety ther's nae sin.

Monday 10 Temp 11/18
Wull it rain or mebbe bide dry,
Tae rain in the mornin it dis try,
In the efterneen ere's a blink o sin,
Mak me feel affa gweed within.

Tuesday 11 Temp 12/22
Quait an sultry fresh air there is neen,
Dry for the day on the day I'm nae keen.

Wednesday 12 Temp 10/19
Affa quait an sultry eence again,
An taewards nicht it dis rain.

Thursday 13 Temp 12/22 Rainfall 1/16
Jist for eence the day is a bummer,
Mair days like this it cood be Simmer,
Fine tae see fowk in simmer attire,
An nae tae see the combine sink in mire.

Friday 14 Temp 8/17
Still an quait I cood hear a preen drap,
Later on rain my heid I div shak.

Saturday 15 Temp 5/16 Rainfall 4/16
Gran day wi a richt fresh feel,
Daft wi the combine fermer chiel.


WALNUT
"Oh Ronald this is a affa braw hoose (Hanna wis purrin like a kitten) that we hiv moved intae. It's far, far better than the last een. I ken fine we hiv deen the richt thing movin up here fae Low Street. Oh look a fireplace, och fin it is lichted up we wull be fine an cosy durin the winter months."

Ronald an Hanna hid jist moved hoose fae Low Street up tae the tap o the toon. Thinkin the new hoose widnae be sae damp as the last een. Then of coorse there wis the fire. The twa o them hid been brocht up seein the lowe o a fire. Ronald said, "I'll buy some sticks fae Jonsar Eck, my pet an we wull hae a fire goin in nae time ata." Fin Jonsar Eck delivered the firewid, Ronald set aboot lichtin the fire. Noo, as seen as he pit a spunk tae the paper the room an the hoose jist filled up wi smoke. Hanna wis furious. "Get that damned fire oot this very meenit," she shouted. Ronald thocht the lum is surely blocked. I winner fa wid hae drain rods so I can clear the lum. Ronald wis stannin in his neuk in the Pitsliga Arms, (far it cost you a leg as weel,) tellin abody his tale o woe. Aiberdeen Angus said. "I'll gie you rods tae pit doon the lum. Pit them doon fae the tap, tie a tow tae the first rod you pit doon, an if the rods stick you'll be able tae yark them oot. Ronald wis like a dog wi twa tails, an efter anither pint or twa went awa tae get the rods. Efter his denner Ronald thocht he would try tae clear the lum. He didnae bother tyin on a tow, he jist shoved the rods doon the lum until a'a o a sudden the brush an the rods were stuck. Twist, rug an tug, the bloomin things jist widnae shift up nor doon. Jist wi that Ronald slipped an fell tae the grun, the lum landin on tap o him in a thoosan bits. As he struggled tae his feet makin sure that he wis in ae bit, an naething broken (jist his pride). As he gaed himsel a shak a wifie appeared, she hid a black face an her claes were fule an black as weel. "Fit are you deein tae my lum?" She asks Ronald. Weel it cost Ronald a fer bit o siller tae sort things oot, yon wifie an Ronald dinna spik tae een anither. (That wis twa year ago). Aiberdeen Angus got a puckle bits o broken bits o sticks back instead o his rods. Hanna of coorse wisnae affa pleased wi Ronald's effort at lum cleanin. She said, "I wid like tae gang back tae oor auld hoose." Ronald tried sair tae cheer her up. "Look," he said, "Yon is a braw fire we hiv the nicht". (The fire wisnae burnin richt) Hanna looked at the fire an whined. "Fit kind o sticks is that you bocht fae Jonsar Eck?" Ronald wis at the end o his tether noo, there wis nae reasonin wi her fin she wis in this mood. "Jonsar Eck said it wis hard wid, I'm sure he said it wis WALNUT." said Ronald soothingly. Hanna snarled. "He is richt it is WALNUT. Look, the damned stuff WULL NOT burn."


AUGUST 1998
Temp Celsius - Rainfall Inches

Sunday 16 Temp 7/12
Ere's a Autumn feel aboot the air,
Hale day lang it dis bide fair.

Monday 17 Temp 10/17 Rainfall 3/16
Rise in the mornin tae sin sae bricht,
Think tae mysel it's rain afore nicht,
Weel I wis wrang as wrang as cood be,
For it's a fine day for us tae see

Tuesday 18 Temp6/19
Here is anither day withoot ony rain,
It' affa close wipe the broo noo an again.

Wednesday 19 Temp 6/19
Countryside is dryin oot, nae afore time,
Aye this day turns oot bonny an fine.

Thursday 20 Temp 11/19 Rainfall 4/16
Affa heavy an my heid dis thump,
Ere's mair than ae thunner plump.

Friday 21 Temp 9/11 rainfall 4/16
Cool in the mornin for the day it bides dry,
Bit taewards nicht tae rain it dis try.

Saturday 22 Temp 6/17
Tries sair tae rain it dis bide dry,
Sin peeps throo wi a bonny blue sky,

Sunday 23 Temp 9/16
Win an rain says yon mannie on the T.V.
Sinny day, he wis as wrang as cood be.

Monday 24 Temp 5/15 Rainfall 2/16
Fine mornin bit a bit cauld an bare,
Oot come the sin bonny an fair.

Tuesday 25 Temp 5/17
This day dis turn oot richt fine,
Richt fae mornin tae nicht time.

Wednesday 26 Temp 6/12
Cauld, fit a shock it turns oot tae be,
Ere's only ae thing that I can dee,
Wrap up weel an keep movin ana
Day is dry wi a licht shoor or twa.

Thursday 27 Temp 7/16 Rainfall 2/16
Scrat the heid, wid it rain or nae?
Fit a surprise it's a richt fine day.

Friday 28 Temp 9/11 Rainfall 2/16
Sin dis shine an it poors o rain as weel,
Richt doon in the dumps I div feel,
Noo wi me I think you wid agree,
It's a aff affa pest yon midge

Saturday 29 Temp 9/22 6/16
Rain is my forecast for the day jist noo,
I scrat my heid an furrow my broo,
En oot peeps the sin wi plenty o heat,
Aye days like this you canna beat.

Sunday 30 Temp 9/20
Oot comes the sin in a'a it's glory
Och a richt fine day at's my story.

Monday 31 Temp 9/11
Fae the Sooth a cauld win dis blaw,
Licht shoor o rain as the day wears awa.


ROTTEN TATTIES
It wis the back end o the year Nineteen Ninety Three. It hid been a affa wet year an, the hairst for the fermer hid been a disaster. Fin the wither wis dry there wis nivver ony drocht tae dry the crap for cuttin. It wis noo the month o October an things were nae gettin ony better.

There wis still a lot o crap nae cut an it lyin on the grun jist rottin. Fit wis cut wis takin a lot o dryin an, the strae lyin on the grun wis as weet an black it wid nivver be be baled. It wis nae eese even for beddin. Some fermers hid a machine for chappin up the strae an they simply plooed it doon.

Ae day fin Jonsar Eck wis workin awa in his yard a fermer comes wanderin in aboot an says, "I see you hiv a affa sawdust lyin aboot. Fit are you gaun tae dee wi it?" Jonsar telt the fermer. "Oh I jist dump it." The fermer thocht for a meenit asks, "Foo much wid you tak for it?" Jonsar Eck said, "Och you tak it oot o my road an you can hae it for naething. Of coorse the fermer wis fer teen aback an stated, "I could pit intae my coort far the nowt waulk atween the coort an the self feed silage. I'll be ower for the sawdust the morn." Jonsar Eck gaed the fermer a help tae load the bags o sawdust in ower his bogie. As the the fermer climbs in ower his tractor he asks, "Wull you hae ony mair?" Jonsar answers, "Aye you wull get anither load in twa weeks time." Weel the fermer cawed sawdust fae Jonsar Eck's yard every fortnicht for the hale winter. Jonsar Eck kent he wis savin the fermer a fer bit o money, so he asked the fermer for a bag o tatties. Neest time the fermer came intae the yard for sawdust he gaed Jonsar Eck his bag o tatties sayin, "Wi the weet wither the tatties are affa dear an nae gweed tae get a haud o. Seein it's you that wull be five poun." Jonsar Eck wis furious bit said naething. Fin the fermer wis in aboot tae Jonsar Eck's yard he often hid a look aroon. This time he spotted a puckle strainer posts. Noo the posts were six poun each, Jonsar minded aboot the tatties an thocht the fermer is savin a fer bit be takin awa the sawdust, so Jonsar socht echt poun the strainer. Tae his surprise the fermer bocht the lot sayin, "I ken a gweed strainer fin I see een".

It wis noo Twa Thoosan An Three an Jonsar Eck wis wanderin alang the main street o Pitsliga, fin a car drew up aside him. Fa should step oot ower the car bit the fermer fa hid teen the sawdust. His face wis as reed as a beetroot. "You Jonsar, your naething bit a crook, yon strainers hiv jist deen ten years, I could hae bocht fir sticks for six poun. Noo yon strainers are fer rotten. Jonsar Eck smiled an said, "You telt me you wis savin fifty poun the month be usin my sawdust, yet you charged me a fiver for a bag o tatties at wis fer foo o blight. At least you got ten year oot o your strainers. My bag o tatties were in the bin neest day."


SEPTEMBER 1998
Temp Celsius - Rainfall Inches

Tuesday 1 Temp 2/16
Rains fae mornin throo tae nicht,
Athing soakin weet nae a fine sicht.

Wednesday 2 Temp 11/11 Rainfall 11/16
Noo for me the note is a bittie soor,
For maist o the day rain dis poor,
Richt sorry sicht fermer dis mak,
Monster combine maks a deep track.

Thursday 3 Temp 11/12 Rainfall 6/16
Rainin? bonny an bricht? nae fear,
Dull an grey an tae work I'm gey swear.

Friday 4 Temp 10/11 Rainfall 2/16
Weet an fule jist eence again,
Times like this is against the grain.

Saturday 5 Temp 11/15 Rainfall 1/16
In the mornin it's neen ower bricht,
Clears up later on aye taewards nicht.

Sunday 6 Temp 10/15
It's affa thick fog fule an weet,
Wither for the day I could greet.

Monday 7 Temp 10/14 Rainfall 1/16
Hair in my heid I div tear,
Richt damp day I div fear.
T.V. mannie says pressure low,
If he asked I wid hae telt him so.

Tuesday 8 Temp 10/16 Rainfall 1/16
Anither damp warm mornin eence mair,
Fresh win later on feel gran I declare.

Wednesday 9 Temp 10/14
Dull an warm it's beyond belief,
Dry for maist o the day at's a relief,
Aboot fower o'clock the note is soor,
Thunner an lichtnin, rain dis poor.

Thursday 10 Temp 13/15 Rainfall 4/16
Dull an grey heavy an sultry as weel,
Some sin an rain fer wabbit I feel.

Friday 11 Temp 8/15 Rainfall 6/16
Ere's a fresh feel wi rain noo an again,
Clears up later on then rain again.

Saturday 12 Temp 3/15 Rainfall 2/16
Gran mornin affa sinny fit a treat,
En poors o rain it maks a body greet,

Sunday 13 temp 7/12 Rainfall 1/16
Mornin starts awa affa bony an bricht,
Shoors o rain roon aboot nicht.

Monday 14 Temp 7/10 Rainfall 3/16
Poorin o rain fin we div rise,
Och at comes as nae surprise,
Wither dis it's best tae be dry,
Dis rain as the day wears bye.

Tuesday 15 Temp 6/13 Rainfall 1/16
Gran mornin wi a fer pir o win,
Combine starts awa very first thing,
Lichtsome shoor later in the day,
Fermer nae pleased, hair turns grey.


A SECRET OATH
It wis the time o year for spreadin peats again, doon throo time this hid aye been a back brakin job. Jonsar Eck didnae mind deein this job noo, yon fower taed fork hid made the job a gweed bit easier. Ere wis nae bendin o the back noo, he stood stracht up an placed the peats oot the length o the shaft o the fork. As he worked awa he went awa doon memory lane. He went back tae the time he first seen a three taed fork. It wis fin he wis fourteen year auld an he wis giein his father a hand tae gither knott girse. Grun hid been made ready for saain neeps an, the grun hid been chain harraed. (Chain harras were aboot twelve feet square, made up o three inch squares) Knott girse came tae the tap an, jist like the peats were easy lifted wi the three taed fork. they were pit in ower a bogie an teen tae moss rhind. Fin Jonsar an his father made neep grun it wis deen wi tractor an ridgers, pittin up three dreels at a time. Weel the ferm they worked wis fer foo o steens an, twisted an bent the ridgers oot o shape.

There wis three bolts that kept the dreel ploos in place, weel the bolts an dreel ploos were aye awa tae the smiddy tae get sorted. Auld Eck hit on the idea o takin oot the bolts an pittin in bits o stick, so fan the dreel ploo hit a steen the stick broke an nae damage wis deen tae the ridgers. It wis Jonsar Eck's job tae tak an auld saw an gang cut some bits o whin bushes aboot twa fit lang an aboot the thickness o your finger. It wis a richt gweed idea bit painstakinly slow. There hid been a richt gweed spell o wither an tae speed things up Auld Eck went tae a neebour an got a len o his horse. Yokit the horse wi Kate, (Kate wis his ain horse) tae a dreel ploo an telt Jonsar Eck tae tak the tractor an bogie an caw awa the knott girse that hid been harraed the day afore. Jonsar Eck thocht he wis Archie. Him in charge o a tractor an bogie, michty me he wis fer up in the world. He wis deein his best tae keep oot o his father's wye. Noo this bein a steeny ferm, Auld Eck hid tae tak great care. If he hit a steen wi the dreel ploo he wid get a yark in the ribs wi the shafts. Jonsar Eck wis workin awa wi the three taed fork, fin he seen the twa horse stop. Noo the horse got a yark in the shooders every time the dreel ploo hit a steen, So fin their feet hit firm grun they wid stop an let Auld Eck lift the dreel ploo oot o the grun, en gang forrit an start awa again. This time Auld Eck shouted, "Ere's naething there." Gaed the horse a crack wi the reins. Fin the dreel ploo hit the steen Auld Eck got a crack on the chin wi the shaft o the dreel ploo. He wis oot cauld afore he hit the grun. As Jonsar Eck ran ower he thocht his father wis deid, an he thocht fit wull I tell my mither?

Auld Eck did come roon, an as he lay there moanin an groanin he said, "Noo Jonsar dinna tell your mither."


SEPTEMBER 1998
Wednesday 16 Temp 7/9 Rainfall 9/16
Ere's a gale force win oot o the Wast,
Blaws rain intae us wi a icy blast,
Oot comes the sin ere's nae ony heat,
En some mair rain the days a breet.

Thursday 17 Temp 6/15 Rainfall 2/16
It's jist aboot dry fin we div rise,
Nae mair rain noo at's a surprise,
Day comes oot richt bricht an bonny,
Combines can work aye ere's mony.

Friday 18 Temp 7/22 Rainfall 4/16
poorin o rain aye eence again,
Fit's wrang wi the wither? I dinna ken,
En oot comes the sin in a'a it's glory,
Fine hairst day noo at's my story.

Saturday 19 Temp 7/20
Fae mornin tae nicht ere's sin sae bonny,
Aye days like this ere hisnae been mony.

Sunday 20 Temp 7/23
Entry mornin the very first this year,
Bonny day, combines intae top gear.

Monday 21 Temp 9/25
Richt fae the start the day is affa bonny,
Combines? fan last did I see sae mony?

Tuesday 22 Temp 11/11
Fog in the mornin affa fule an weet,
Day is raw nae sign o ony heat.
Hale day lang the fog dis hing aboot.
Dry bit nae gweed withoot a doot.

Wednesday 23 Temp 9/14
It's a entry mornin withoot ony sin,
Fine hairst day wi a blustery win.

Thursday 24 Temp 9/11
Dry is the day affa dull an grey,
Later on combines hiv their say.

Friday 25 Temp 9/12
Weet in the momin quiat fule an weet,
Gey swear tae redd up I cood greet.

Saturday 26 9/11 Rainfall 2/16
Damp an quait it's beyond belief,
Pray for fresh air tae get relief.

Sunday 27 Temp 10/10
Haar close in as the day starts awa,
Affa unhealthy nae affa fine ata,
En as the day wears on withoot a doot,
Haar clears tae a thickness canna see oot.

Monday 28 11/11
Mannie on T.V. says damp an grey,
Och jist let the mannie hae his say.

Tuesday 29 Temp 10/15
Dull an foggy is the day eence mair,
Dry an affa quait nae ony fresh air.

Wednesday 30 Temp 10/11 Rainfal 5/16
Fule weet mist then the day dis change,
On comes the rain in the heavy range,
Day turns oot affa fule an weet,
Nae doot aboot it the day is a breet.


EXPLOSION
Ere wis a muckle thunner storm throo the nicht, jist hale water, aye an lichtnin sae affa bricht. Noo mither nature is jist fer hell bent tae pit the fear o hell intae us is her intent. Ere wis fire flash aye wi forked lichtnin tee, it maks dark in tae day so we can a'a see, noo mither nature dis treat us wi contempt, tae pit the fear o hell intae us is her intent.

Fae the hill o Mormond ower tae Benachie, sky is lichted up for us a'a tae see, noo mither nature at last dis relent, she pit fear intae us that wis her intent. Michty me fit a nicht, yon wis the worst that I hiv ivver seen. Ere his been thunner an lichtnin afore, bit nivver like yon." There wis a boorach o fowk githered ootside een o the Pitsliga shops. There hid been a nesty storm oot throo the nicht wi thunner an lichtnin. It hid lested fae midnicht tae the back o five o clock. Fowk of coorse were in a state o shock fin they seen the damage that hid been deen throo the nicht. Ere wis some fowk that hid nae licht, some (A gey lot) didnae hae a phone. Water hid simply gushed doon fae the braes o Pitsliga jist like a burn, a'a the silt, an sma steens landin doon in Low Street. Neest day of coorse wis cleanin up time, fowk wi shovels an barras tryin tae clean up the rubbish. It wis nae surprise tae Jonsar Eck tae see fowk ootside the shop, every time Jonsar met onybody the topic wis the same. "It's the worst nicht o wither that there his ivver been," they wid say tae him. Phone an electric companies were run aff their feet. Efter a day or so the electric wis back tae normal, bit the phone company said it wid be a week mebbe mair afore they got things sorted oot.

"Did you hear aboot Auld Muggie an Geordie at the heid o the toon?" Asks ae wifie tae the borrach o fowk. "Na, na, fit aboot them?" She wis asked."Weel the lichtnin hit their phone an, knocked it aff the wa, the skirtin boord in their bedroom is burned black." Ere wis a loud explosion." "Oh surely no," came fae the crowd. Peer Auld Muggie an Geordie (They were baith echty year auld). "They are takin it in affa gweed hert," said the wifie. "Muggie said there wis a loud explosion in their bedroom an, Auld Geordie chuckled, there hisnae been a explosion in the bedroom for a lang time" laughed the wifie.


OCTOBER 1998
Thursday 1 Temp 9/10 Rainfall 5/16
Fin we rise in the mornin it's poorin rain,
Weet an damp is tae be the day again.

Friday 2 Temp 5/10
Dull an damp is the day eence mair,
On the countryside an fowk it's sair,
Later on a fer pir o win dis rise,
Fresh air at last fit a surprise.

Saturday 3 Temp 5/10
Day turns oot richt fine an dry,
Get combines yokit at's the cry.

Sunday 4 Temp 5/8 Rainfall 2/16
Dull mornin wi a wee shoor o rain,
Maistly dry wi rain noo an again,

Monday 5 Temp 6/10
Noo wid it rain? or mebbe bide dry?
I fear for rain an let oot a sigh,
Wi a pir o win were in fine mettle,
Ony craps tae be cut wid be in richt fettle.

Tuesday 6 Temp 5/10
Richt fine day wi a wee pir o win,
Later on there's a weak, weak, sin

Wednesday 7 Temp 5/10 Rainfal 1/16
Gran day bit nae ony force ava,
Ere's a lichtsome shoor nae eese ata,

Thursday 8 Temp 5/12
Damp mornin en it brichtens up bonny,
Aye days like this there hisnae been mony,
Ere's a wee pir o win, a fine hairst day,
For mair days like this we hope an pray.

Friday 9 Temp 4/15 Rainfall 1/16
An entry mornin it dis turn oot tae be,
En on comes the rain nae gweed tae see.

Saturday 10 Temp 6/11 Rainfall 4/16
Coorse mornin affa fule an weet,
Clears up later on ere's nae ony heat,

Sunday 11 Temp 5/10 Rainfall 2/16
Mornin is affa dull an affa cauld,
Rain, fowk gang aboot twa fauld.

Monday 12 Temp 4/6 Rainfall 9/16
Wi win an rain the nicht wis a breet,
Countryside is jist fer soakin weet,
Throo the day ere's a shoor or twa,
This day is nae affa gweed ata.

Tuesday 13 Temp 4/7 Rainfall 2/16
Richt fine the day dis bide dry,
Wi sin, we surely winna fry.

Wednesday 14 Temp 5/6
Aye it's a entry mornin I wid say,
See the fermer gither some strae,
Cauld blustery win the hale day lang,
Combines div move on this day sae gran.

Thursday 15 Temp Rainfall 1/16
Blustery North win maks the day feel raw,
Bonny in the efterneen wi sin sae braw.


SYRUP O FIGS
Jonsar Eck wis doon at the Broch gettin his een tested. He thocht he wis strugglin wi his auld glesses (he hid the same specs for seven year). He thocht mebbe the optician could tak oot the scratches in the auld lenses, or mebbe gie him new lenses intae the auld frames.

Weel the optician jist shook his heid an said, "Oh no, Jonsar, I would advise you to have your eyes tested." Jonsar thocht oh weel he kens.

So it wis tae be, Jonsar Eck wis teen ben the hoose, sat doon, an went throo a fer dibber dabber. Tests, aye tests o a'a kind. Yon optician ferrly seemed tae ken fit he wis deein, he held a'a sorts o different tests. Efter he wis finished he said. "I will give you stronger lenses, and Jonsar I can assure you, you will see a lot better". Jonsar Eck tried him again tae pit new lenses intae his auld frames bit, the optician shook his heid an said, "that is impossible." Jonsar Eck studied the new frames an picked a pair oot that he liked the look o, sayin, "I like this eens." He wis telt, "That will cost you one hundred and twelve pounds," be the lassie ahin the coonter. That wis the frame that Jonsar Eck liked, he tried on chaper frames bit aye came back tae the frames he liked.

He kent fine he coodnae read withoot specs so he grudginly bocht them. As he gaed awa hame Jonsar Eck went awa doon memory lane (He wis affa sleepy heided). It wis his mither that noticed he wis short-sichted fin he wis nine year auld. Fit happened wis, fin he came hame fae the school ae day, he threw the school bag intae the cuboard an shouts, "I'm hame mam". There wisnae a answer. This pleased Jonsar Eck nae end, he wis intae the biscuit cuboard like a shot. Intae the tins o shortbreed, tins wi hame made piecies, he wis haein a richt feed. Efter a fyle he felt a bit thirsty an reached oot for a bottle o Creamola. Jonsar Eck took twa muckle gulps o Creamola an thocht fit a queer taste. Fin he took a look at the label on the bottle he got an affa shock. Fit div you think the label said? SYRUP O FIGS. Och he thocht naebody wull ken. Neest day abody kent he couldnae keep oot o the timmer hoose at the fit o the gairden. Tae this very day he canna understan fit wye the timmer hoose wis awa at the fit o the gairden. You see durin the neest twa or three days, eence or twice he nivver made the timmer hoosie.

It wis mebbe five or six weeks efter Jonsar Eck's mishap wi the SYRUP O FIGS, fin the femily were haein their supper. Jonsar's mither says. "The morn my lad we are gaun tae Aiberdeen tae get your een tested." Auld Eck thumped the took an said. "That's the best news I've heard for a lang time. Fin you are at the hospital get his bloomin heid tested as weel."


OCTOBER 1998
Friday 16 Temp 0/5 Rainfall 2/16
Ere's a fer bit o frost fin we rise.
Doon poors the rain at's nae surprise,
Blawn intae us be a win fae the East,
It's nae fit for man nor fit for beast.

Saturday 17 Temp 2/5 Rainfall 28/16
Coorse mornin affa fule an weet,
Slowly, slowly, countryside dis dreep,
En be midday it comes oot dry,
It's fine tae see a bonny blue sky.

Sunday 18 Temp 0/5 Rainfall 2/16
Touch o frost it's affa bare an cauld,
Fowk gang aboot gey near twa fauld.

Monday 19 Temp -1/4
Cauld win the hale day dis blaw,
Shoors o sleet an shoors o sna.

Tuesday 20 -1/5 Rainfall 2/16
Rise tae see the grun fyte wi frost,
Pits winter in oor mind uppermost,
Day is cauld bit at least it's dry,
Tae keep warm abody dis try.

Wedesday 21 Temp 2/12 Rainfall 4/16
Athing is jist fer soakin weet,
Throo the nicht hid been a breet,
Day turns oot affa fine an dry,
Aye bonny an blue is the sky.

Thursday 22 Temp 3/10 Rainfall 6/16
Great day wi warmth in o the air,
Fowk in sark sleeves fittin rare.

Friday 23 Temp 7/12 Rainfall 6/16
Fine warm mornin it's hard tae believe,
Dry, fowk gang aboot in their sark sleeve.

Saturday 24 Temp 4/16 Rainfall 2/16
Richt frosty mornin en wither dis change,
Poors o rain in the affa heavy range.

Sunday 25 Temp 4/5 Rainfall 8/16
Ere's a gale force win fin we div rise,
Blawn throo rain at's nae a surprise,
Efter some time aff gangs the rain,
Still strong gusts o win noo an again.

Monday 26 Temp 1/5 Rainfall 1/16
Ere's a touch o frost affa cauld as weel,
Licht shoor o rain Autumn time I feel.

Tuesday 27 Temp 0/5 Rainfall 4/16
Affa cauld an bare tae keep warm we try,
A roch win for the day at least it's dry.

Wednesday 28 Temp 0/5
Frost in the mornin affa bare an cauld,
See fowk gang aboot gey near twa fauld,
Twa dry days on the trot fit wid be wrang?
Bit cauld Wast win hale day keeps blawin.

Thursday 29 Temp 3/5 Rainfall 10/16
Oot throo the nicht it's been affa wild,
North win dis blaw it's neen ower mild,
Country side is jist fer soakin weet,
Dry for the day ere's nae much heat.

Friday 30 Temp 2/5 Rainfall 1/16
Affa cauld an bare at's the day tae be,
Och it dis bide dry richt fine tae see.

Saturday 31 Temp 3/10 Rainfall 3/16
Coorse mornin it turns oot tae be,
Clears up bonny en, coorse an wintry.


FUEL CRISIS
Jonsar Eck wis sittin watchin the news on the T.V. ae nicht, an he hid tae admit he didnae like fit he wis seein, it wis a wee bittie depressin. It wis a'a aboot fuel bein ower dear, the mannie on the T.V. said. "There could be mair revolts like there wis in the year Twa Thoosan."

Ootside Aiberdeen the roads were blocked be tractors gaun at a slow speed. Fit surprised Jonsar Eck wis that the fowk gaun tae their work an bein held up an late, didnae seem tae mind aboot the upheaval.

Fin the T.V. mannie asked fit they thocht aboot the haud up, every motorist said, "Petrol an fuel wis ower dear onywye an, if this wis gaun tae bring things tae a heid they were willin tae pit up wi it. Fowk were seen on the T.V. in o a queue waitin for fuel. Sometimes the queue seemed tae be aboot a mile lang. Fit Jonsar Eck couldnae understan wis, fowk did grudge the fuel bit nae the price o their cars. Michty me he thocht een o yon fower be fowers wid tak a hale ile rig o fuel tae itsel. Jonsar Eck said oot loud, "Aye there is naething mair queer than fowk". Grudgin fuel for a car wis like a lad haein fags bit nae a licht.

Efter three days Jonsar Eck began tae realize jist foo serious this wis. Ony time he went tae get fuel he found a closed sign in the forecourt o the fillin stations. Sometimes he got a fivers worth or mebbe a tenners worth. it got worse an worse until Jonsar Eck jist hid aboot a gallon o fuel left in his fuel tank. There wis naething else for it bit tae tak twa or three days aff. Jonsar Eck thocht he widnae grudge the fuel if he cood get ony. On the Thursday he managed tae get a tenners worth doon at Strichen, that did him fine for the local deliveries. Be the weekend things were back tae normal wi plenty o fuel at the pumps. Jonsar Eck loaded up his truck wi peats ower the weekend an decided tae gang up the Elgin wye on Monday. He took his twa pals Plastic Hank an Buttery Wull wi him jist for company. It hid been a fer fyle since the twa o them hid been wi Jonsar Eck, Jonsar pinted oot if he couldnae get oot aboot fit wye could he tak them awa. The topic wis the fuel protesters. The twa o them thocht it wis affa fowk fillin their motors fer foo fin twa gallon wid hae deen. Jonsar Eck stopped an pit fuel intae his truck fin he reached Macduff. As he climbed in ower the truck Plastic Hank asks, "Foo much did you pit in?" Jonsar Eck replies, "Jist the usual, twenty pounds worth". Plastic gaed Jonsar a look an said, "You ken I thocht the price wis awa hine up."


NOVEMBER 1998
Temp Celsius - Rainfall Inches

Sunday 1 Temp 2/3 Rainfall 6/16
In the mornin the note is soor,
Fer bit o win an rain dis poor,
Efterneen is dry bit affa cauld,
Fowk gang aboot near twa fauld.

Monday 2 Temp -1/5 ,
Grun fer fyte wi frost like sna,
Richt cauld wi a bit o sin ana,

Tuesday 3 Temp 0/5 Rainfall 2/16
Affa cauld an bare fin we rise,
Richt sinny day it's a fine surprise.

Wednesday 4 Temp 0/1 Rainfall 9/16
Fit a surprise grun covered wi sna,
Weet sleety shoors pits sna awa,
Sna begins tae fa yon sleekit wye,
Sna is affa damp an it disnae lie.

Thursday 5 Temp -3/2
Grun is covered wi fer puckle sna,
An a cauld North win it dis blaw,
Ere's shoors o sleet an some o sna,
Sna sits doon it winna gang awa.

Friday 6 Temp 0/2 Rainfall 13/16
Day turns oot affa cauld an bare,
Ere's a touch o frost bit it is fair.

Saturday 7 Temp 2/6 Rainfall 3/16
Ere's been a sup rain throo the nicht,
The day is dry bit neen ower bricht.

Sunday 8 Temp 6/9
Fae the Wast a strong win dis blaw,
Blustery bit warm, nae a bad day ava.

Monday 9 Temp 9/10 Rainfall 2/16
Gale force win dis blaw throo the nicht.
Puckles o damage nae a welcome sicht.
Still the win fae the Wast it dis blaw.
Warm air a richt fine day efter a'a.

Tuesday 10 Temp 5/6
Fine tae see sin sae bonny an bricht,
Braw day fae mornin throo tae nicht.

Wednesday 11 Temp 0/6
Win blaws for the day cauld an snell,
Tae keep warm we div wrap up well,
At the same time ere's sin sae braw,
Noo I wid say it's nae a bad day ata.

Thursday 12 Temp 2/6
Saft blustery win the hale day dis blaw,
Jist aboot dry, och it's nae a bad ava.

Friday 13 Temp 2/4 Rainfall 5/16
Dull in the mornin looks like a change.
Starts tae rain in the heavy range

Saturday 14 Temp 3/4 Rainfall 15/16
An affa rain oot throo the nicht,
Countryside soakin nae a fine sicht,

Sunday 15 Temp 0/4 Rainfall 6/16
Ere's shoors o sleet an some o sna,
Day is coorse nae it's affa fine ata.


THE BIRD
The British Legion lounge reef wis leakin water, it wis jist poorin in awye. Mind you the reef wis thirty year auld an it wi a flat reef. Noo onybody that kens onything aboot reefs, kens that a flat reef is jist a disaster. There is nivver eneuch run on the reef an afore lang it begins tae leak. There hid been sponsored bike runs, sponsored wauks, raffles, an sic like, held tae raise funds tae sort the reef. There wis ae lad cawed Ronald (Fa worked aff shore) that hid a sponsor sheet that wis filled eence or twice ower. Fin the sponsored wauk wis held, far should Ronald be bit aff shore. It wis a fortnicht efter the wauk or Ronald appeared hame. "Oh I'll dee the wauk, bit I'll need some help." He said.

Efter a meetin it wis decided that Timmer Tam, Aiberdeen Angus, an Jonsar Eck wid gang wi Ronald, fa wid wauk tae New Deer an back tae Pitsliga. Jonsar Eck took Broon an Roost an pit a puckle signs on it, the signs warned fowk that a sponsored wauk wis in progress. It wis a Sunday mornin at eleven that the fower o them set oot. Aboot twa mile oot o Pitsliga Jonsar Eck stopped his truck, gets oot ower an asks. "Onybody for a cup o tay?" Neen o the three lads wid hae onything tae dee wi him. Ronald fa wis last passed Jonsar Eck's truck stated. "I dinna drink tay." Jist wi that he got a sniff o Jonsars tay an said. "I'll hae some o that." (It is tay an fusky, mebbe fusky an tay). Ronald teemed Jonsar's flask in a jiffy sayin, "That's the best tay I hiv tasted."

They made gweed time tae New Deer, the seven miles hid teen twa oors. It wis intae the New Deer Bitish Legion for a wee brak. Ronald fleecin abody in the legion for a sponsor. Jonsar Eck said tae Ronald, "Fit a time you are takin." The beer wisnae poorin affa weel, an the barman thocht Jonsar wis spikkin tae him. In a twinklin, the barman hid Jonsar be the throat an snarled. "If you can dee ony better, hae a shottie o poorin the beer yoursel." Efter Jonsar explained that it wis Ronald he wis spikkin tae the bannan settled doon an poored mair drinks.

On the wye hame the fower stopped for mair tay and a sandwich. Ronald scoffed anither flask o tay bit complained aboot the little bit o beef that wis in his sandwich. Fin he looked ower tae Jonsar Eck, his sandwich wis the size o a doorstep (Jonsar Eck hid made the sandwiches). Fin Ronald, Timmer Tam, Aiberdeen Angus, an Jonsar Eck arrived back in Pitsliga it wis party time. Ronald hid made a fer bit o siller, an abody wis fer pleased. As the fower o them got their photos teen they were haudin a pheasant that hid been run ower on the road, ae wifie wis heard tae say, "At's the only bird they wull get the nicht".


NOVEMBER 1998
Monday 16 Temp 0/4 Rainfall 8/16
Mony a car his slipped ower the dyke,
Didnae see the frost sparklin fyte,
Noo ere's a spleetry shoor or twa,
Frost sets in as the day wears awa.

Tuesday 17 0/3
Grun is hard an fyte like sna,
Sin comes oot an shines sae braw.

Wednesday 18 Temp 0/3
Grun fyte like sna, frost dis persist,
A winter sark tae keep warm I insist,
Look up an see a bonny blue sky,
Cauld an tae keep warm I div try.

Thursday 19 Temp -2/2
Cauld for day the grun like a steen.
Ere's a bonny blue sky up abeen.

Friday 20 Temp 0/4
Is it frost or mebbe it's thaw,
Day is bare an affa affa raw,
Durin the day wither dis change,
It dis rain in the heavy range.

Saturday 21 temp 3/10 Rainfall 2/16
Ere's a saft win warm an rare,
For the hale day it dis bide fair.

Sunday 22 Temp 5/5
This day turns oot sae fine an rare,
An for the wither it dis bide fair

Monday 23 Temp 0/2
Frosty mornin bides sharp bit dry,
Aye tae keep warm I hiv tae try.

Tuesday 24 Temp 0/5
Noo this day turns oot tae be a bummer,
Nae like november it's jist like simmer.

Wednesday 25 Temp 0/5
Fine day bit affa cauld an raw,
Hale day lang Sooth win dis blaw.

Thursday 26 Temp 0/6 Rainfall 5/16
First thing in the mornin affa mild,
Wither dis change gruws affa wild,
Shoors o rain wi win fae the Wast,
I wid say it's a richt wintry blast.

Friday 27 Temp 2/5
Fae the Sooth ere' a cauld pir o win,
We wrap weel an jist bear an grin.

Saturday 28 Temp 4/5 Rainfall 8/16
Throo the nicht ere's been a afffa rain,
Countryside fer soakin weet again,
Durin the day wither dis bide dry,
Frost sets in as the day wears bye.

Sunday 29 Temp 2/4
It's a gran mornin comes oot mild,
Nae sign o winter bein ony wild.

Monday 30 Temp 0/5 Rainfall 1/16
Rise tae a bit o frost in the air,
Afore lang it's nae affa fair,
Water oot o the sky it dis poor,
An for me the day is affa soor.


THE FOX
"Noo Jonsar Eck I'm affa sorry tae say we are nae affa busy jist noo. It wid be better if you wid gie me phone afore you come awa doon tae the sawmill for a load o firewid. Ere is nae eese o you comin doon here if I canna gie you ony firewid." It wis the year Nineteen Echty five, an the wither hid been affa fule an rotten. Jonsar Eck wis hopin tae get a puckle extra loads o firewid fae this sawmill. Fin he heard fit the foreman o the sawmill wis sayin, Jonsar Eck kent he wis in serious trouble. Wi the wither bein sae bad Jonsar Eck couldnae get ony peats cut. He hid twa lairs foo o peats bit, dry, they jist widnae. Jonsar Eck did threaten them wi a wringer bit na, na, the peats jist got weeter an bigger. Aye this wis serious times for Jonsar Eck, nae sticks, nae peats an, fit he hid stored widnae lest ony time ata. Something hid tae be deen an affa fest. There wis a wid doon be the Broch that Jonsar Eck wis workin in. He wis telt nae tae cut doon the stannin trees bit, tidy up onything that hid been blawin doon be the win. This wis a richt gweed blessin, an Jonsar set aboot the wid wi great gusto. Fin he gaed doon tae the Broch wi a load o firewid tae sell on a Friday momin he took the power-saw wi him an spent a oor in the wid. He then went intae the Broch an selt his load, phoned the sawmill tae see if they hid a load o firewid tae him. This went on for five weeks an Jonsar hid five load lyin in the wid as a stanby, so fin the sawmill hidnae a load tae him he wid gang in by the wid an pick a load up. There wis ae Friday mornin the grun wis fer fyte wi frost, an as Jonsar laid doon the saw, something brushed close by him. Fin Jonsar looked doon there wis a fox stannin twa yards fae him. It jist stood there sniffin the air nae takin ony notice o Jonsar ata. As the fox wandered awa throo the wid a second fox came close by him (he could hae touched it). Yon twa foxes met an the twa o them made awa throo the wid. Jonsar Eck thocht fit a peety I didnae hae my camera. Fin workin in the Broch wid Jonsar Eck hid tae rowe the sticks oot wi a peat barra. He aye said it kept him fit. Jonsar hid a fer fordel o sticks stored in the wid, five load tae be exact, so fin he phoned the sawmiil ae Friday an wis telt there wisnae a load tae him, he simply went oot tae the Broch wid for a load oot o his fordel (he aye kept lookin for the twa foxes). Jonsar Eck couldnae find his barra, somebody hid stolen it, an waur than that they hid stolen his fordel o firewid as weel. Jonsar Eck kent he hid been ferrly foxed.


DECEMBER 1998
Tuesday 1 Temp 4/9 Rainfall 4/16
Dry day gang aboot withoot a care,
Fine tae feel the warmth in the air.

Wednesday 2 Temp 4/5
Dry wi a bit o sharpness in the air,
Fine tae gang aboot it dis bide fair.

Thursday 3 Temp 3/3
Dry bit cauld aye beyond belief,
Fae the North win we seek relieve,
Mannie on T.V. says it wull be sna,
Doot yon mannie cood be richt ana.

Friday 4 Temp 0/0
Mannie wis richt as richts cood be,
Ere's a coverin o sna for us tae see,
Frost the day disnae seem tae lift ata,
An noo an again ere's a flurry o sna.

Saturday 5 Temp -2/0
Frost sticks in for maist o the day,
Wi a flurry o sna winter his it's say.

Sunday 6 Temp-2/0
Aye wi this day i'm mair than teen,
Puckle sna, bonny sky up abeen.

Monday 7 Temp -5/2
Cauld an bleak Sooth win dis blaw,
An slowly, slowly, shifts the sna,
Then it rains in the heavy range,
Ferrly fresh, a richt fine change.

Tuesday 8 Temp 3/5 Rainfall 10/16
Strong Sooth win his shifted the sna,
Braw day, fine tae see the sna awa.

Wednesday 9 Temp 0/4
Strong Sooth win hale day dis blaw,
Dry is the day bit it's affa affa raw.

Thursday 10 Temp 4/6
Fin we rise ere's a spit in o the air,
An for the day it's maistly fair.

Friday 11 Temp 0/3 Rainfall 3/16
Frosty, bit the day turns oot bonny,
Days like this ere's nae been mony.

Saturday 12 Temp 3/3 Rainfall 2/16
Anither day at's fine an mild,
Fine tae see wither nae affa wild.

Sunday 13 Temp 0/3
Rare day wi a oor or twa o sin,
An I div feel affa gweed within.

Monday 14 Temp 3/11 Rainfall 4/16
Roch saft win blaws fae the Sooth Wast,
Feel the warmth in the affa saft blast,
En of coorse a heavy shoor or twa,
Efter that day turns oot sae affa braw.

Tuesday 15 Temp 3/3
Seems tae be a frosty nip in the air,
Sharp is the win bit it dis bide fair.


BUY A PIE
"Fit tae heck is goin on here," said Jonsar Eck oot loud tae himsel, as he came wanderin doon High Street in Pitsliga ae Setterday efterneen. There seemed tae be an affa steer in the Circle. Jonsar Eck stepped oot ower Broon An Roost an hid a wauk ower tae see fit wis happenin. In the Circle there wis a lad cawed Derek in bakers claes wi a kertie shoutin oot o him, "Wid onybody like tae buy a pie? Wid onybody like tae buy a pie'?" There wis ferrly a touch o desperation aboot Derek's voice. Bit mind you he wis deein a steady trade, he hid the pies bein het up wi a barbecue an Timmer Tam hid a tray o pies. They were deein their best tae teem the trays o the pies. Fin Jonsar Eck bocht een he thocht losh at's richt fine. Jist wi that a sma van came in aboot an fin the lad opened the back door, fowk could see the van wis foo o pies as weel. As Jonsar Eck sank his teeth intae his second pie he asked the lad stannin neest tae him, "Far did a'a yon pies come fae?" Noo twa or three fowk heard fit Jonsar Eck hid asked an burst oot laughin. "Wis you nae doon at the fitba park on Sunday seein the five a-sides?" Says ae lad. "You ken this I wis that an, I hid a gran efterneen. Fit's mair I bocht twa pies that day ana you see I think they are affa fine," replies Jonsar Eck. There wis a laugh an the lad says. "Derek there his a dee wi rinnin the fitba an he ordered a hunner hot dogs (which were a'a sell). Bit he went feel wi orderin the pies. You see he ordered twa hunner an fifty. There wis only fifty pies selt. Mebbe you can see noo fit wye he is mair than a bittie desperate. Derek wis fer gettin the hang o sellin the pies an, decided tae hae a stall in the Circle every Setterday until the twa hunner pies were selt. Weel the pies were gettin a wee bit foostie an, fowk started tae shun the Circle fin Derek wis pie sellin on Setterday. Ae day Derek got fer woun up an threw a pie at a dog. Weel the dog hid a sniff at the pie, then gaed awa leavin the pie lyin there. Derek simply widnae be beat, wi a'a his shoutin he wis a bittie hoarse an he croaked. "Wid onybody like tae buy a pie?"


DECEMBER 1998
Temp Celsius - Rainfall Inches
Wednesday 16 Temp2/3
It's a gran mornin en it looks like rain,
Ere's a spit or twa en it brichtens up again.

Thursday 17 Temp 3/10
Strong roch Sooth win intae us dis blaw,
Saft bit roch maks the day feel raw,
Then there is a shoor or twa o rain,
Brichtens up an comes oot braw again.

Friday 18 Temp 0/2 Rainfall 2/16
Throo the nicht ere's been a lot o rain,
Ere's a fer bit frost bit a fine day again,

Saturday 19 Temp 0/2 Rainfall 2/16
For the day cauld Sooth win dis blaw,
Every noo an again ere's a flurry o sna,

Sunday 20 Temp 0/2
This day turns oot affa roch an raw,
Noo an again there is a shoor o sna.

Monday 31 Temp -3/-1
Winter taks a grip that cood be richt,
Ere's a puckle sna nae a welcome sicht,
Win his veered intae the Soot Wast,
Wi shoors o sna and a icy blast.

Tuesday 22 -3/0
Is that frost? Or mebbe thaw.
Dry, cauld, an affa affa raw.

Wednesday 23 Temp-3/1
Dry day wi a richt frosty sheen,
Wi a blue sky fine up abeen.

Thursday 24 Temp -3/0
Fyte is the frost it glistens like sna,
Dry foreneen strong win dis blaw.

Friday 25 Temp 2/3 Rainfall 2/16
Fine day wi some sin ana,
Nae ony eese for Suntee ata.

Saturday 26 -2/1
Rise in the mornin frost sparkles sae bricht,
En the day changes, poors o rain come nicht.

Sunday 27 Temp -1/1 Rainfall 7/16
Efter the rain roads are like a ice rink,
Sinny day, bit motorist they maun think.

Monday 28 Temp -2/0
Day turns oot sae bricht an cauld,
Fowk wrapped up gey near twa fauld,
Aye bonny an bricht is the sky abeen,
Frost sticks in an cuts tae the been.

Tuesday 29 Temp -3/0
Cauld an bare is the mornin eence mair,
Frost dis loup bit wither dis bide fair.

Wednesday 30 Temp -2/6 Rainfall 2/16
Been affa affa wild oot throo the nicht,
Damage deen it's nae a welcome sicht,
Gale force Sooth win still dis blaw,
Later on quait it's nae a bad day ava.

Thursday 31 Temp 1/6
Affa dull an grey, daylicht ere's neen ata,
Gey damp day tae see the auld year awa.


FIRST OR SECOND
The year wis Twa Thoosan And Fower an, it wis the first Setterday o September. It wis weel kent in Pitsliga at on this day the flooer show wis aye held. A'a the gairdeners fae roon aboot entered their wares intae the show. Leeks the size o pailin posts, tatties the size o neeps, carrots? you hiv nivver seen the like. Some carrots were aboot three fit lang. Tamatas, bonny an reid, some yalla eens ana. Cabbage, maist o them were bigger than a fitba.

This year there wis a section for the heaviest cabbage. Ae lad came intae the hall wi a oxter o green leaves an, fowk jist gaed him a queer look. Come judgin time there wis six muckle cabbage that jist aboot filled the hall. Een o the lads in charge o the veggies took his car an, did a shuttle service up tae the bakers, takin three cabbage at a time tae get their wecht. He said. "I dinna want tae overload my car". Of coorse the heaviest cabbage won first prize. (It wis fourteen pound)

There is aye a affa fear that something wull gang wrang fin it comes tae judgin time. Jonsar Eck wis geein a wuman an a chiel a hand tae help the judge wi the pot plants. Yon pots were gey ticht the gither an, if the judge wanted tae hae a richt look at a flooer Jonsar Eck wid tak the plant doon, so the judge cood mak up his mind aboot it. This year seemed tae be een o yon times fin athing wis wrang. Maist o the trouble wis, that the fowk that entered the pot plants seemed affa keen tae pit plants in the wrang sections. There wis tickets on the pots that didnae correspond wi fit wis in the schedule. Efter a fer dibber dabber it wis decided tae leave things aleen". These people should be more careful" said a wifie fae the committee". The wrang fowk wull get the prizes" said the judge.

Fin they came tae the local section. there wis a flooer that hid the judge fer puzzled. He muttered. "In ae wye it's a'a richt bit, in anither wye it's a'a wrang, I doot it wull hae tae be second prize for this pot plant. If I cood meet the plant owner I wid explain fit I am thinkin." Fin the envelope wis opened Jonsar Eck an the ither twa helpers gasped. "Oh nae Big Betsy". Och says the judge."I'll explain tae her if I see her." Jist wi that Big Betsy appeared an asks." Fit's wrang?" Noo the judge wis in his element as he telt Big Betsy aboot the flooer. She asked him a puckle questions an, the twa o them seemed tae be on anither planet." Noo div you understan fit wye it his tae be second place?" asks the judge. Big Betsy growls."I got first prize wi this plant last year an there wis nae cairry on, you ken I dinna think you wull be socht back".

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Information about Document 1416

A Fer Chauve

Text

Text audience

General public
Audience size 100+
Writer knew intended audience

Text details

Method of composition Handwritten
Year of composition 2005
Word count 23344
General description Collection of short essays and notes on the weather

Text medium

Book

Text publication details

Published
Publisher A. Smith
Publication year 2005

Text setting

Leisure/entertainment

Text type

Prose: nonfiction

Author

Author details

Author id 989
Forenames Alex
Surname Smith
Gender Male
Decade of birth 1930
Educational attainment University
Age left school 14
Upbringing/religious beliefs Protestantism
Occupation Retired
Place of birth Stonehaven
Region of birth Aberdeen
Birthplace CSD dialect area Abd
Country of birth Scotland
Place of residence New Pitsligo
Region of residence Aberdeen
Residence CSD dialect area Abd
Country of residence Scotland
Father's occupation Farmer
Father's place of birth Stonehaven
Father's region of birth Aberdeen
Father's birthplace CSD dialect area Abd
Father's country of birth Scotland
Mother's occupation Housewife
Mother's place of birth Stonehaven
Mother's region of birth Aberdeen
Mother's birthplace CSD dialect area Abd
Mother's country of birth Scotland

Languages

Language Speak Read Write Understand Circumstances
English Yes Yes Yes Yes At home
Scots Yes Yes Yes Yes At home

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